Adjusting Focus

Since leaving my home in Massachusetts to go to my first semester at BYU-Idaho in 2016, I've managed to move/have new roommates every few months (and on a mission a new area and a new companion every so often). Though I like to plan out my life, I've grown accustomed to knowing no place is ever permanent for me. My move to Utah, though, would be different. I planned on being here for a while to get state residency, and hopefully apply to grad schools close by. That meant Salt Lake would (most likely) be the longest I've ever stayed in one place since high school.  I've come to realize that the inconsistencies of where I live and who I'm living with has been harder than I've led myself to believe. I used to tell people I loved the change of never being "still" for too long. In some ways, the change is nice. Moving and living with new people every so often has allowed me to meet my closest friends, and have some incredible memories/experiences. On the ot...

If you asked me what I thought my life would be like in a year from the time I stepped off the plane in Massachusetts after my mission, I would've never imagined anything that's happened. During my last night as a missionary, I stared up at the ceiling in complete darkness. I was nervous, terrified, excited, feeling about every emotion possible. I wondered what it would be like to finally hug my parents again. What would it be like to watch a movie? Or have my own phone again? What would happen when my mission, the thing I loved the most, was gone? Some nights I lie in bed and think about the last year. I've learned more about God's mercy and grace than ever before. 2019 has been nothing short of easy, but also one of the greatest years of my life. I've found my purpose in life again. I've established really good friendships for once in my life, I've stood up for myself, and I've found God in a much more real way. On one of those nights where I lie...

I define myself by a thousand things that probably don't matter in the long run; I'm anxious. I'm brown. I'm this and that and the list goes on. If I'm to be completely honest, most of them are negative. As I began reading a book ( Brave Girl Eating ) for a class I'm taking this semester, I realized that I've been forgetting my most important identity that isn't defined by the world and by myself. I am more than my problems and the things that have happened to me in the past. This will be an unplanned continuation from my  previous post on perfectionism- a lesson I'm still desperately trying to learn and apply in my life on a daily basis. As per usual, I'll be honest. In my Abnormal Psychology class we talked about how there is such a stigma around mental health. It's improved a lot over the years, but there's still a long way to go. As a future social worker and one who is generally passionate about mental health and bettering lives,...

Recently, I've been typing out some of my favorite poems I've written as I've finally filled another notebook and moved on to a new one. I've been reading some good poetry books and decided to type one up from my own works just to have. As I was going through and typing them up, I came across one that is one of the most near and dear to my heart. It was written on July 26th, 2016. It wasn't that long ago, but it was definitely a time where I was struggling a little. It's titled "dear anxiety," and was recently submitted for one of my rough drafts in my creative writing class. It was anonymous, so I felt much better about sharing it there. This is a much more public space, but I thought I would share this poem because my long and grueling journey with anxiety is something I (very personally) feel I want to share with those of you here. So, here it is: dear anxiety,  you came knocking on my door the other day i did not want to see you you showed u...

So, I'm setting the date back in time to December for this blog post because I failed to write one all last month. Finals and the holidays were busy. So, here we are on January 2nd with a December blog post. Here are the past 12 very odd, exciting, boring, hard, growth-filled months. JANUARY: I started my last semester at community college. I made a goal for myself to raise my hand in at least one class once a week. I think as the months went on, I wasn't as great about it, but the anxiety I had before isn't as great. I raise my hand more and my face doesn't feel like it's on fire, so there's been some big improvements. I also started my first internship. It was definitely nerve wracking at first, but I was so excited to start working. It was really a growing experience and I absolutely loved it. It was freezing cold (I worked on a barn in the middle of winter) and I fell in horse poop mixed with mud. But, when the internship was over and I had completed my ho...

My blog posts in November always have some Thanksgiving theme so I've been thinking a lot about what I'm thankful for. While the list can go on and on, the biggest thing for me is how grateful I am that school has been going so well. As I've said before, I was really worried about how things were going to end up being in Idaho. While I completed an Associate's, I had never been away from home. As my brother and I got closer and closer to school, I felt the longevity of my stay. The new environment and people were all slightly horrifying. Part of me really just wanted to stay in my senior/sophomore year of school forever. Now, a couple months later (though it's felt like a year while simulatenously feeling like it's only been 2 weeks), I've made it to Thanksgiving in one piece and I've already made some good memories. I was so worried about making friends because I'm often very shy and quiet when people first meet me. It takes some time for me to war...

It's been a month since coming out to Rexburg. It's been tiring, long, boring, fun, and great all at the same time. Currently I'm fighting to not fall asleep and this has been happening all day. I could take a nap but that would disrupt my procrastination of doing my homework by writing a blog post. Besides, taking nap would mess up when I'm actually able to fall asleep tonight. Classes have continued to go well and I am still glad to be here. I'm continuing to push myself out of my comfort zone a little. I've had the opportunity to attend a Youth Mental Health First Aid training for my juvenile delinquency class (a training on how to help youth in crisis). I'm still lacking on making real food for myself. I've made a lot of rice, PB&J sandwiches, and chicken. But I'm surviving and having good experiences, and the past month has still been decently successful. My religion class is by far one of my favorite classes. My professor is amazing and h...

Yours truly is officially moved into college! It took a couple of days to get everything all settled and for me to be able to unpack the massive amount of stuff I ended up bringing, and I'm pleased with the result. I've managed to make my half of the room feel a little homey. I've completed my first full week of classes and I'm happy to say I really enjoy all of them. The nice part about having my associates degree is that I can skip all of my foundations classes and just focus on my religion courses and those specific to my major (sociology). Overall, I've really been enjoying my time here. It's been an interesting experience being so far away from home but I've been doing pretty well handling it all. I really enjoy all of my classes despite the amount of work I have to do already. My Teachings of the Book of Mormon class is starting to be one of my favorites. My professor is really funny and definitely isn't boring. All of my professors are really ni...

Technically, this should be "The End: Part 5" because I've completed five semesters now, but whatever. SO, I've officially finished school and I'm simultaneously excited and uncomfortable about that. I was looking back on a blog post I wrote after my first semester finished. It's super weird to think how fast time has gone. It kind of freaks me out that I'm graduating soon (9 days from now) and that I really couldn't quite imagine this day coming when I first started. In the beginning it all seemed like it would be super hard, but it hasn't been that bad. I love the major I chose and because of it I've had some really cool opportunities. In the beginning of this whole program I started out as a lot different. Over these past two years I've found more confidence in myself. I've generally figured out what I want to do with my life. I've found actual value in education. I've learned some more about procrastination (but let's...

Yesterday I started my final semester at MWCC. It's kind of a weird feeling to think I'm so close to the end. To be quite honest it freaks me out that I've somehow made it to this point. I feel like I haven't been a part of the program for that long. It's like just yesterday I was sitting in my first class for the first time. Now I'm an (almost) experienced college student. By May 18th I'll be graduated from college! Already I feel kind of overwhelmed, though. There's a lot of paper writing, reading, and in my Human Growth and Development class, 65% of my grade comes from the four tests I'll be taking throughout the semester. I'm really hoping I do well on all four of those tests because even if I do great on the papers I have to write, that 35% will only help me get so far. It all just feels like a lot right now. I keep on telling myself I'll be okay. I've done a lot of hard, challenging things in my life. So when I start to freak out a...

My motto for 2015.  This year has been an interesting one! So, here is a quick review of what has happened over the past 12 months of my oh-so interesting life. JANUARY: I started my second semester at MWCC, taking classes that were more relevant to my major. FEBRUARY: I turned 17 and got asked to church prom, on the same night in which I had a surprise birthday party! MARCH: I went to Michigan with my mom to visit my brother and sister-in-law. APRIL: Prom month once again. Cherish and I got ready together which was really fun. Here are some pictures below. prom 2k15 MAY: Finally finished my second semester of college/my junior year. I also ran my first 5k! I figured my next step would be a 10k, but so far I've never run further than 6.5 miles. And that was once. And then I took a two month long break on running. So, there's that. Cherish left which was sad, and I became an only child once again. But I am grateful for the internet and text messaging. And Snapc...

Umm, technically it's "The End Part 4", but I failed to write a post when my summer semester finished. I only took 3 classes, and 2 were online, but it still sort of counts. But since I didn't write a post, here we are. I am glad to announce that I have finished my 4th semester at MWCC. I only have one left before I graduate, which is kind of terrifying and exciting all at once. It's hard to believe that I'll be done with high school and two years of college. A year ago I was just finishing up my first semester... and that thought makes me slightly uncomfortable. At this point I had barely decided what I was going to do with the rest of my college career. Nursing, or human services? In the end, I know I made the right choice for me. All of the classes I have taken related to my major have continued to confirm to me that I am doing the right thing. I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. My college applications have finished, which is a huge relief. ...

This week has been a decently good week, I would say. On Monday I ran 6.5 miles, which was pretty cool. It was pretty rough there for a while, but, I took it slow and did it! My legs were pretty sore the next day but definitely worth it. We'll see if that ever happens again, though... I've been able to manage my homework pretty well and haven't screwed up too badly, which is also pretty nice. I could probably be more efficient with how I get my work done, but at least it always gets finished. I'm still wicked good at procrastinating, but still. I mean, I've managed to get this far in school with decent grades. Along with homework has come the time to start thinking about college and what to do and where to go. While I have been thinking about this since last year (when I entered into college), it just didn't seem as real when I was a junior. It felt so far away. Now, here I am. I have two semesters left and it's time to get my life together and apply. Alt...

I've successfully completed my first (half) week of the Fall semester. I think the majority of my classes will end up going pretty well. I'll be honest, I'm kind of only looking forward to about 3 of the 5, but that's okay. There's only one class I haven't had yet, which would be my Life Sciences class, but that's a Monday night one, so I still have another week until I have to mentally prepare for that mess. I'm excited for it, but I've heard it's supposed to be kind of rough. It's kind of like and introduction to Anatomy & Physiology, which I hope to take next semester. Oh those prerequisites for BYU-I I need.  I had US History II as my first class. It so happens to be from 4:30 until 7:00, so I have almost the entire day to relax... or do homework (joke's on me). My professor's method of getting people to participate is the good ol' elementary way of using popsicle sticks with everyone's names on each stick. As a young...

Before I continue with this post, I just want to thank you all for reading my last blog post , as well as for the support. I was a little hesitant about putting it up at first, but I'm glad I did. So, in December of last year I put up a post about the end of my first semester at MWCC. Now, the end of my second semester has finally come... and to be quite honest, it was as good as I had hoped. I came away with a lot of good lessons and I had amazing professors this semester. My English professor was literally my favorite teacher I've had and his obsession with Elizabeth Strout and her book, Olive Kitteridge , was quite entertaining. And, don't forget Stoner . I had one professor for three of my classes (Sociology, Intro to Human Services, and Psych of Self), which may sound terrible, but she was awesome, and when you have her for some 8:00am classes and the weather is really bad, life is pretty rockin' because you can sleep in for once in your life. Plus, her classes w...

Once again I haven't written a post in a while. I'm not perfect . So with the slight fear that I won't get to writing again for the remainder of the month (we'll see), I'll quickly write this one. You see, not much has happened in my life recently, at least, nothing to report that's of much interest to anyone. I've been waking up, going to seminary, school, volunteering on Tuesdays, running, doing homework, sleeping, and the cycle starts over again. Oh, I'll eat in between those activities, too. I have mutual and piano as well. But still, not too much. Last week I did have spring break which was obviously full of partying and reckless behavior. Or not . I actually spent half of it at home and watching TV, running, and eating. For the second half I went to Michigan with my mom to see my brother and sister-in-law. It was really nice to see them and spend time with the two (three? Baby #1 ). It was also nice because the week before we got to see ...

My psychology of self class has been pretty interesting so far. I've read one chapter of a text book and we watched a movie for three whole class periods. The movie was "The Five People You Meet in Heaven." It was better than I expected. In the beginning I was really unsure of why we were watching it, but in the end, the message was pretty good. Basically the movie was about the main character, Eddie, who had died trying to save a girl's life. He worked at this place called Ruby Pier, where he had worked his entire life fixing rides. He served in the army for a while until he had a leg injury and then shortly after he got married. After he died trying to save the little girl, he ended up in heaven, where he would meet five people who would teach him five different lessons.    In the end, Eddie learned about how he really did have an effect on all of those around him. He didn't realize that the job he hated had saved so many lives. Eddie learned his importance,...

So 2014 was quite the year. I guess I'll do a quick recap of the past 12 months in case anyone is even remotely interested in my adventurous life. I'll add pictures to make everything better. JANUARY: At the end of the month once the semester was over I jumped out of one school and hopped into an old/new one. I made new friends and reconnected with old ones, so that was really nice. David left on his mission which was sad but also amazing all at the same time. FEBRUARY: I finally turned 16 which meant I could finally date. I also got my permit after failing the test the first time... MARCH: Um, I'm sure something happened. APRIL: April was the month of prom.  My first one and I was pretty excited. :) MAY: ??? JUNE: I stepped foot onto GD floors for the last time. I wouldn't be returning for the next year as I would be a part of the MWCC Pathways graduating class of 2016. JULY: Youth conference happened and that was truly a great experience. Everyone worked...