If you asked me what I thought my life would be like in a year from the time I stepped off the plane in Massachusetts after my mission, I would've never imagined anything that's happened. During my last night as a missionary, I stared up at the ceiling in complete darkness. I was nervous, terrified, excited, feeling about every emotion possible. I wondered what it would be like to finally hug my parents again. What would it be like to watch a movie? Or have my own phone again? What would happen when my mission, the thing I loved the most, was gone?
Some nights I lie in bed and think about the last year. I've learned more about God's mercy and grace than ever before. 2019 has been nothing short of easy, but also one of the greatest years of my life. I've found my purpose in life again. I've established really good friendships for once in my life, I've stood up for myself, and I've found God in a much more real way.
On one of those nights where I lie in bed and think about life, I've reflected on the ways God has manifested Himself to me. Which I honestly think is incredible because I've tried to push Him away a lot, yet He is still there (man is His love unconditional). He has been there as I push through and work on my mental health. He's walked with me in times I felt it would be impossible, like I was doomed to my diagnoses forever. God has wrapped me in His arms and said, "No. Keep going. I am right here." He's guided me to my internship and kept me going through my major when I questioned why I had to take this path. He's been there in my friends who have been so supportive and loving that I can't possibly understand how I'm going to live without them all so close by anymore. God sat with me as I suffered with the LGBTQ+ community, pained at the judgments of others. HE HAS BEEN THROUGH IT ALL. I've found Him in my life outside of church walls, in some unconventional ways, in odd moments where I feel like God might not actually care where I am. But He's in everything. He loves me (and you) all the time.
I move in January for my internship in Salt Lake City. I've talked with God a lot about this move. I feel a sense of freedom, a feeling that I can finally breathe. As I've talked to God about what this freedom means, I've felt He will continue to stand by my side, that He cares about my happiness and knows I've outgrown BYU-I, and this is where I need to be to continue to find peace with myself and God. I remember when I was first applying for out-of-state internships. I knew what I wanted, but I knew God's plan was probably better than mine, so I asked that it would all fall in line if it was what was really supposed to happen (adding,"I know You know better but also this would be super cool and I really really want this to happen so please help me out"). As I packed up my bags and drove down to Utah with everything I owned, I felt so much peace. My chapter at BYU-I has closed. In order to continue growing, I had to leave. And while a little nervous about finding friends and moving my entire life and comfort zone, I'm pumped.
My theme this year was "Bloom." I've lost more of myself and found even more. I'm coming back stronger than ever, with more confidence, with a resilience I didn't think I could have. Bloom has been a self discovery. I know who I am for once- a child of God, destined (just like you) to do great things.
If life had gone how I wanted it to a year ago, I never would've seen this growth in myself. Though there were aspects of the last year which were incredibly difficult, I wouldn't trade any of it. I used to only look at my successes and failures, but never the journey. A few months ago all I felt was guilt for not being "perfect." I beat myself up about not wanting to go to church, about not studying my scriptures. I was consumed by my inability to eat three meals a day, something that seems so simple. Now I look at the small steps. I'm learning, growing, seeing what I can do in the moment. My diagnoses aren't a defining characteristic. I'm capable of working through them. My relationship with God and devotion to Him is a little different than I pictured it being when I came home from my mission, but I'm happy. I'm happy with where I am and excited about where I'm going.
Bloom isn't about perfection. It's about growing. Nourishing myself (yourself). It might seem selfish but I think sometimes we need to take the time to figure things out for ourselves. The world tells us a lot of what we should and shouldn't be, what defines success, etc. We don't have to listen to those voices.
I wrote this poem about a month ago to try and capture the way I was feeling about this year. I've never understood myself more than in these 12 months. At the beginning of it all, I felt like I had no idea who I was anymore. The person I'd come to know on my mission seemed foreign and far off. But in walking with Christ, I have come so much closer to becoming my true self.
Some nights I lie in bed and think about the last year. I've learned more about God's mercy and grace than ever before. 2019 has been nothing short of easy, but also one of the greatest years of my life. I've found my purpose in life again. I've established really good friendships for once in my life, I've stood up for myself, and I've found God in a much more real way.
On one of those nights where I lie in bed and think about life, I've reflected on the ways God has manifested Himself to me. Which I honestly think is incredible because I've tried to push Him away a lot, yet He is still there (man is His love unconditional). He has been there as I push through and work on my mental health. He's walked with me in times I felt it would be impossible, like I was doomed to my diagnoses forever. God has wrapped me in His arms and said, "No. Keep going. I am right here." He's guided me to my internship and kept me going through my major when I questioned why I had to take this path. He's been there in my friends who have been so supportive and loving that I can't possibly understand how I'm going to live without them all so close by anymore. God sat with me as I suffered with the LGBTQ+ community, pained at the judgments of others. HE HAS BEEN THROUGH IT ALL. I've found Him in my life outside of church walls, in some unconventional ways, in odd moments where I feel like God might not actually care where I am. But He's in everything. He loves me (and you) all the time.I move in January for my internship in Salt Lake City. I've talked with God a lot about this move. I feel a sense of freedom, a feeling that I can finally breathe. As I've talked to God about what this freedom means, I've felt He will continue to stand by my side, that He cares about my happiness and knows I've outgrown BYU-I, and this is where I need to be to continue to find peace with myself and God. I remember when I was first applying for out-of-state internships. I knew what I wanted, but I knew God's plan was probably better than mine, so I asked that it would all fall in line if it was what was really supposed to happen (adding,"I know You know better but also this would be super cool and I really really want this to happen so please help me out"). As I packed up my bags and drove down to Utah with everything I owned, I felt so much peace. My chapter at BYU-I has closed. In order to continue growing, I had to leave. And while a little nervous about finding friends and moving my entire life and comfort zone, I'm pumped.
My theme this year was "Bloom." I've lost more of myself and found even more. I'm coming back stronger than ever, with more confidence, with a resilience I didn't think I could have. Bloom has been a self discovery. I know who I am for once- a child of God, destined (just like you) to do great things.
If life had gone how I wanted it to a year ago, I never would've seen this growth in myself. Though there were aspects of the last year which were incredibly difficult, I wouldn't trade any of it. I used to only look at my successes and failures, but never the journey. A few months ago all I felt was guilt for not being "perfect." I beat myself up about not wanting to go to church, about not studying my scriptures. I was consumed by my inability to eat three meals a day, something that seems so simple. Now I look at the small steps. I'm learning, growing, seeing what I can do in the moment. My diagnoses aren't a defining characteristic. I'm capable of working through them. My relationship with God and devotion to Him is a little different than I pictured it being when I came home from my mission, but I'm happy. I'm happy with where I am and excited about where I'm going.
Bloom isn't about perfection. It's about growing. Nourishing myself (yourself). It might seem selfish but I think sometimes we need to take the time to figure things out for ourselves. The world tells us a lot of what we should and shouldn't be, what defines success, etc. We don't have to listen to those voices.
I wrote this poem about a month ago to try and capture the way I was feeling about this year. I've never understood myself more than in these 12 months. At the beginning of it all, I felt like I had no idea who I was anymore. The person I'd come to know on my mission seemed foreign and far off. But in walking with Christ, I have come so much closer to becoming my true self.
her power was found
in the way she
saw herself
as she looked
in the mirror saying
I am beautiful.
I am strong.
it wasn't found in numbers
in what boys and girls thought
it was admitting
she needed help
and nothing
could stop her
from standing on
the mountain tops
and shouting
I am here.
I am me.
I hope in the next year we all continue to bloom, to grow from our trials, to learn, and to accept, and find all that's good. I hope we're not afraid of change, and aren't afraid to change.
As always, thanks for reading! Here's to 2020.
---Maggie
As always, thanks for reading! Here's to 2020.
---Maggie
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