Adjusting Focus

It's been a while since I've posted here. Quite frankly I've been in some very dark spots over the last little bit and my motivation to write has been almost non-existent. I've spent more days crying on the floor and more hours sleeping than I would like to admit. But, for the first time in a very long time, I felt a burst of inspiration. I'm reading " The Gifts of Imperfection " by Brené Brown. I'm currently on a "vulnerability/courage journey" so that I learn to stop hiding and running from my emotions, share those emotions with others, and also learn how to be more present when I am feeling good (I often find myself on edge, waiting for the next "bad" thing to happen to ruin the happiness I have). It's been very eye opening, terrifying, and uplifting. Once again, for the first time in a while, I'm getting new ideas and writing more. I take notes constantly. I also cry a lot still, and throw my own pity parties because I w...

Every night, I take some time to read poems from some of my favorite poetry books I have. I've been marking some that particularly stick out to me with sticky notes. My books end up looking pretty worn and messy, especially with bent edges of various colored sticky notes adorning their pages. One night, I sat staring at the book in front of me, and found beauty in the messiness I held. It was an unusual feeling, because anytime things are out of order or not perfect, I feel uneasy, frustrated, like the world is closing in around me. My mind is unable to focus on anything else until I feel settled. I wrote down several thoughts I had about my OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) and how these sticky notes were some sort of symbol to me about overcoming my obsession with perfection. It rules pretty much every aspect of my life, but at the end of my notes I wrote, "OCD doesn't have to rule my love for poetry." I then wrote a poem with the opening line being, "Poetry ...

I've spent the last couple months constantly on the move. Nannying part-time, trying to get 250 hours done for my internship, maintaining my physical health, and trying to find moments to myself have kept me busy. For the most part, I've loved every second of it. I was starting to feel fulfilled in life, starting to become a version of myself I was happy with. There was a sense of freedom and belonging I hadn't felt in a long time. Coming out and getting away from Rexburg was a huge burden lifted. But I write to you at 4am because I feel heavy. We all know the state of the world right now. Honestly, for the most part I've been pretty calm about it. I'm trying my best to do my part in flattening the curve, staying safe, keeping myself informed, etc,. Amidst all the chaos, I've found joy in the newfound hours I get to write and play the piano. All the memes make life a little more bearable and keep me laughing. I've been working out in my room to keep my bod...

It was 7:30pm on a Monday when I was driving to my new apartment from my first day at my new internship. I honestly couldn't stop smiling. Salt Lake has already been a dream come true (minus the nasty pollution). Intern days are a little long sometimes, but I also love being there and come home feeling fulfilled. It makes me excited to continue in my education and career goals. I'm ready . As I've been thinking of what this next year will be, I recognize a lot of changes will be happening. First, my "big" move to Salt Lake and the start of my internship, then my graduation from BYU-Idaho in July. Other things are coming and also a lot of unknowns. I'm really excited for this year and everything that's ahead. Honestly, the last year was SO up and down. While grateful for those challenges and for all the good as well (because without it 'Bloom' wouldn't have happened), I'm ready for 2020. For once I feel like I have a solid foundation. I ha...

On July 29th, 2014, my sixteen year old self sat at my old laptop and began writing my first post as an amateur "blogger." I'd been wanting a blog for a while, mainly because I love writing, and because I had so many thoughts in my head-I wanted a place to express them. This blog was a way for people to look into my mind, my heart, and discover a part of me they didn't know much about. The only real problem was, I was sixteen and pretty clueless about the world, and I had a mother who I thought needed to approve of the idea first. I remember rehearsing how I would bring it up to her, how I would make it seem like a worthwhile thing. I was nervous about talking to her about it. When I did, she thought it was a good idea. So, I began taking the first steps. I looked for something to inspire me, something that would be the theme of this blog. In my short sixteen years I'd faced a lot and was starting to overcome my seemingly never-ending battle with anxiety and depr...

It's been a month since coming out to Rexburg. It's been tiring, long, boring, fun, and great all at the same time. Currently I'm fighting to not fall asleep and this has been happening all day. I could take a nap but that would disrupt my procrastination of doing my homework by writing a blog post. Besides, taking nap would mess up when I'm actually able to fall asleep tonight. Classes have continued to go well and I am still glad to be here. I'm continuing to push myself out of my comfort zone a little. I've had the opportunity to attend a Youth Mental Health First Aid training for my juvenile delinquency class (a training on how to help youth in crisis). I'm still lacking on making real food for myself. I've made a lot of rice, PB&J sandwiches, and chicken. But I'm surviving and having good experiences, and the past month has still been decently successful. My religion class is by far one of my favorite classes. My professor is amazing and h...

Two days ago, Adjusting Focus had it's two year anniversary! And though I am somewhat disappointed in myself that though the date was in my calendar and I forgot to write a blog post, I'm going to forgive myself because I'm writing one now. Over the past two years, I have been able to express a lot about myself through this blog. As someone who tends to be very quiet, introverted, and anxious when it comes to talking and sharing my thoughts and feelings to others, this blog has been an extremely helpful way for me to let people in on what goes through my mind sometimes. Adjusting Focus has, in all honesty, had a ginormous impact on my life. It's changed the way I think about things, and I'm always finding myself trying to think of what I can share with all of you, as well as how I can express myself in written word. It's been an outlet for me. There's always been some part of me that's wanted to have a blog. I didn't think I had anything particular...

Technically, this should be "The End: Part 5" because I've completed five semesters now, but whatever. SO, I've officially finished school and I'm simultaneously excited and uncomfortable about that. I was looking back on a blog post I wrote after my first semester finished. It's super weird to think how fast time has gone. It kind of freaks me out that I'm graduating soon (9 days from now) and that I really couldn't quite imagine this day coming when I first started. In the beginning it all seemed like it would be super hard, but it hasn't been that bad. I love the major I chose and because of it I've had some really cool opportunities. In the beginning of this whole program I started out as a lot different. Over these past two years I've found more confidence in myself. I've generally figured out what I want to do with my life. I've found actual value in education. I've learned some more about procrastination (but let's...

I've successfully completed my first (half) week of the Fall semester. I think the majority of my classes will end up going pretty well. I'll be honest, I'm kind of only looking forward to about 3 of the 5, but that's okay. There's only one class I haven't had yet, which would be my Life Sciences class, but that's a Monday night one, so I still have another week until I have to mentally prepare for that mess. I'm excited for it, but I've heard it's supposed to be kind of rough. It's kind of like and introduction to Anatomy & Physiology, which I hope to take next semester. Oh those prerequisites for BYU-I I need.  I had US History II as my first class. It so happens to be from 4:30 until 7:00, so I have almost the entire day to relax... or do homework (joke's on me). My professor's method of getting people to participate is the good ol' elementary way of using popsicle sticks with everyone's names on each stick. As a young...

My blog post for today will be about depression and suicide. I think that when people hear these words, they aren't really sure what to do or say. No one's sure how to really handle the subjects.  But let me be very real with you; depression and suicide are very, very serious, and people everywhere need to come to understand these matters better. People all over the world struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts/tendencies, and people die from suicide attempts too often. Depression is more than just a bad day, and it's not something someone can overcome easily. Suicide is not a joke. These matters are very serious. I, myself, have struggled with depression. This is hard for me to say (or rather write), seeing as for most of my life I tried to hide it. There has always been a bad stigma around the word, and I was always scared of what people would think of me, and in some ways, I still am. But due to recent events, I want people to know that they aren't alone in t...

Recently I've returned from the usual 2 week New Hampshire trip. We had to go extra early in the summer due to the fact that I have classes starting next Monday (*cries*). Until then, I have one more day of freedom, Youth Conference, and Sunday before I start waking up before 7:30am. I'm only excited because it now means I don't ever have to take gym for the rest of my life, and it's only a month and a half of going to class 2-3 days a week, 4 hours a day. New Hampshire was good, though, and I enjoyed it for the most part. After Cherish left I was pretty lonely, but I managed to do a boatload of homework while my parents worked on the house. I did some tests and quizzes. My parents and I went to Castle in the Clouds (the coolest/prettiest house-mansion I've ever seen). One day my mom and I went out to pick fabric for a quilt she'll make for me. We played some games and watched a lot of Criminal Minds at night. I ran most mornings, doing 3-4 miles after the firs...

Before I continue with this post, I just want to thank you all for reading my last blog post , as well as for the support. I was a little hesitant about putting it up at first, but I'm glad I did. So, in December of last year I put up a post about the end of my first semester at MWCC. Now, the end of my second semester has finally come... and to be quite honest, it was as good as I had hoped. I came away with a lot of good lessons and I had amazing professors this semester. My English professor was literally my favorite teacher I've had and his obsession with Elizabeth Strout and her book, Olive Kitteridge , was quite entertaining. And, don't forget Stoner . I had one professor for three of my classes (Sociology, Intro to Human Services, and Psych of Self), which may sound terrible, but she was awesome, and when you have her for some 8:00am classes and the weather is really bad, life is pretty rockin' because you can sleep in for once in your life. Plus, her classes w...