Adjusting Focus

Good Friday was yesterday. Many (if not all) of you participated in, or at the very least saw a post about, the Worldwide Day of Prayer and Fasting. My heart remained heavy as I saw these posts and these invitations to join. I found myself struggling to have the desire to participate because of the betrayal I've felt from an organization I've dedicated my short life to. Before I continue, though, let me say this; I am in no way bashing on The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Personally, I would never do such a thing. It's something that offered me a lot of good growing up, and is something many of my loved ones know to be true, and I highly respect that. There are also parts of it I still believe and find good in. When watching General Conference last weekend, I recognized a large shift in what my life was like not that long ago. Flashes of my last conference, just last October, crossed my mind, because shortly before that conference, as I was pushing myself t...

It was 7:30pm on a Monday when I was driving to my new apartment from my first day at my new internship. I honestly couldn't stop smiling. Salt Lake has already been a dream come true (minus the nasty pollution). Intern days are a little long sometimes, but I also love being there and come home feeling fulfilled. It makes me excited to continue in my education and career goals. I'm ready . As I've been thinking of what this next year will be, I recognize a lot of changes will be happening. First, my "big" move to Salt Lake and the start of my internship, then my graduation from BYU-Idaho in July. Other things are coming and also a lot of unknowns. I'm really excited for this year and everything that's ahead. Honestly, the last year was SO up and down. While grateful for those challenges and for all the good as well (because without it 'Bloom' wouldn't have happened), I'm ready for 2020. For once I feel like I have a solid foundation. I ha...

Your body is a temple. It's a gift from God.  Treat it well.  Somewhere, somehow, at the age of probably 14, I decided my body was disgusting. It's a strong word, but it's exactly what I thought. I looked in the mirror, day after day, feeling like there was too much of me there. I wanted to be like the other skinny girls; I couldn't handle looking like the ones society labeled as 'big'. It set me off into a storm of tears and stomping on the scale.  I thought things were too tight on my body. I thrived when my guy friends would comment on how small I was. I loved when girls at school would say how good I looked. There was one morning I weighed myself and hated the numbers I saw on the scale. I sobbed and told myself I was too fat, that no one would ever like me, that I had to be better the next day. During my advisory period a boy told me I was skinny and I thought, "Oh, he thinks I'm skinny, so I must be. I'm doing okay." Followed by, ...

"I have absolutely no doubt in my mind whatsoever AT ALL, that this is Christ's church, that the covenant path is ALWAAAAAAAAYYSSSS the easier, happier, more joyful, better path... [Christ] loves each and every single one of us more than we can ever comprehend." Nearly a year ago I wrote this in my final email home to my family as I prepared myself to leave my full-time missionary service for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. For 18 months I spread the gospel of Jesus Christ. I found a love for others I didn't think was possible. Leaving was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Following my homecoming, I felt a small burden lifted from me as I could finally take a nap, I could sleep past 6:30am, and stay up as late as I wanted to. I didn't have to wear a dress anymore and I was back to being a regular 20 year old. Music was such a huge part of my life and I was glad I could listen to old songs that used to make me happy and discover new ones. But d...

I'm currently writing to you as I sit on a blowup mattress in my brother and sister-in-law's living room, with what turned out to be a really bad braid, and with nails that are too long, so typing is actually really irritating. BUT I've had a post I've been meaning to write down for a while, so here I am. If you've followed up on this blog since the beginning of the year, you'll know my 2019 life motto is " Bloom ." It's a word which I feel sums up what this whole year was going to be for me- and it has. The year's not even over yet, but boy oh boy have I learned so much and found more of myself than ever before. I started college again, was seriously depressed and so anxious I barely left my room, decided to see a counselor on campus but he turned out to be... the worst... started the journey of medication, found a new therapist, ended up with a boyfriend for a brief time, gained and lost friends, started getting slightly political on social...

I define myself by a thousand things that probably don't matter in the long run; I'm anxious. I'm brown. I'm this and that and the list goes on. If I'm to be completely honest, most of them are negative. As I began reading a book ( Brave Girl Eating ) for a class I'm taking this semester, I realized that I've been forgetting my most important identity that isn't defined by the world and by myself. I am more than my problems and the things that have happened to me in the past. This will be an unplanned continuation from my  previous post on perfectionism- a lesson I'm still desperately trying to learn and apply in my life on a daily basis. As per usual, I'll be honest. In my Abnormal Psychology class we talked about how there is such a stigma around mental health. It's improved a lot over the years, but there's still a long way to go. As a future social worker and one who is generally passionate about mental health and bettering lives,...

This weekend I was blessed to be able to go down and visit my mission again. I got my old car back and was able to drive around to see some old places I served in and visit some wards I was in too. It ended up being much more therapeutic than planned and I learned a lot and I needed a place to share that, so here we are. On Sunday I attended two different wards. I walked into my first sacrament meeting and looked around at this congregation of people I had grown to love. In this congregation sat three people I met who were either baptized or learning more about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It made me miss teaching and I wondered what more I had to offer in being home. The meeting ended and for the first time I was able to hug one of the guys I taught (as a sister missionary we weren't allowed to hug those of the opposite gender). I gave a big ol' hug to another one, and was able to talk with another girl I'd been teaching right before I left. Fo r a mo...

I've been spending a lot of my days at home, so to fill my time I've been playing the piano and writing a ton. I've been itching to write a new blog post, but I've been unsure of what to write about. I've played the piano for hours but left my laptop untouched because I wasn't sure what I wanted to say, and to be quite honest there hasn't been a lot going on in my life to even write about... But one day I decided to dedicate a lot of my day to writing. 9 times out of 10 I'll listen to music while I write. I have a Spotify playlist dedicated to this work and then every so often I'll find some kind of "ambient' or "chill" playlist on Spotify to be inspired by and continue adding to my Writing playlist (this is seriously one of my favorite pastimes of mine). So, that's all one big introduction to the fact that the other night I was listening to some quiet music at around 5:30pm, sitting at the kitchen island feeling kind of inspi...

As a little girl, the idea of serving a mission was something I desperately wanted to do. The older I got, the less this seemed to be. I just stopped thinking about it. But years later, my first youth conference focused on missionary work. I was paired with another girl and we would be 'companions'. We taught a lesson to some stranger, I felt the spirit, and bore my testimony at the end of the weekend. I said how that experience, the whole three days, showed me that being a missionary was something I wanted to do again, despite how much the idea of being away from home scared me. Once again, time seemed to fade that idea. For one Wednesday night activity we went to a zone conference, or something along those lines. A ginormous group of sisters and elders were gathered, with some extra people sitting in rows behind them. At some point, one of the elders was bearing his testimony. It was then that I had this overwhelming  feeling that I had to serve a mission. At the exact mome...

Recently, I've been typing out some of my favorite poems I've written as I've finally filled another notebook and moved on to a new one. I've been reading some good poetry books and decided to type one up from my own works just to have. As I was going through and typing them up, I came across one that is one of the most near and dear to my heart. It was written on July 26th, 2016. It wasn't that long ago, but it was definitely a time where I was struggling a little. It's titled "dear anxiety," and was recently submitted for one of my rough drafts in my creative writing class. It was anonymous, so I felt much better about sharing it there. This is a much more public space, but I thought I would share this poem because my long and grueling journey with anxiety is something I (very personally) feel I want to share with those of you here. So, here it is: dear anxiety,  you came knocking on my door the other day i did not want to see you you showed u...

Yours truly is officially moved into college! It took a couple of days to get everything all settled and for me to be able to unpack the massive amount of stuff I ended up bringing, and I'm pleased with the result. I've managed to make my half of the room feel a little homey. I've completed my first full week of classes and I'm happy to say I really enjoy all of them. The nice part about having my associates degree is that I can skip all of my foundations classes and just focus on my religion courses and those specific to my major (sociology). Overall, I've really been enjoying my time here. It's been an interesting experience being so far away from home but I've been doing pretty well handling it all. I really enjoy all of my classes despite the amount of work I have to do already. My Teachings of the Book of Mormon class is starting to be one of my favorites. My professor is really funny and definitely isn't boring. All of my professors are really ni...

Technically, this should be "The End: Part 5" because I've completed five semesters now, but whatever. SO, I've officially finished school and I'm simultaneously excited and uncomfortable about that. I was looking back on a blog post I wrote after my first semester finished. It's super weird to think how fast time has gone. It kind of freaks me out that I'm graduating soon (9 days from now) and that I really couldn't quite imagine this day coming when I first started. In the beginning it all seemed like it would be super hard, but it hasn't been that bad. I love the major I chose and because of it I've had some really cool opportunities. In the beginning of this whole program I started out as a lot different. Over these past two years I've found more confidence in myself. I've generally figured out what I want to do with my life. I've found actual value in education. I've learned some more about procrastination (but let's...