Recently, I've been typing out some of my favorite poems I've written as I've finally filled another notebook and moved on to a new one. I've been reading some good poetry books and decided to type one up from my own works just to have. As I was going through and typing them up, I came across one that is one of the most near and dear to my heart. It was written on July 26th, 2016. It wasn't that long ago, but it was definitely a time where I was struggling a little. It's titled "dear anxiety," and was recently submitted for one of my rough drafts in my creative writing class. It was anonymous, so I felt much better about sharing it there. This is a much more public space, but I thought I would share this poem because my long and grueling journey with anxiety is something I (very personally) feel I want to share with those of you here. So, here it is:
There would be times when I would make up something as to why I couldn't go to a party, or hang out with a friend (even if we had already made plans). I backed out of plenty of things just because I knew the day of I would be counting down the hours until I had to leave to be with people, not from excitement, but because I would have to think of things to say, and gosh, what if there was a long silence? I had to be presentable and I couldn't just sit back, especially if it was one-on-one. Everything surrounding being around people carried a level of uncomfortableness. There was always something stopping me from being the person I imagined myself being.
Recently, I've found the anxiety that has constantly hovered over me for nineteen years has subdued slightly, but enough that I feel the difference. I enjoy talking to people and I don't always mull over my thoughts for 100 years before saying something. Being around people isn't so exhausting, being in groups doesn't feel like I'm slowly suffocating, and I vocalize myself more. Of course, I still enjoy time to myself every so often, but being around others and talking to them isn't something I feel I need to constantly escape from. I'm definitely not the loudest or most outspoken person and I'm sure I'll never really be that way, no matter how much time passes and how hard I continue to deal with my social anxiety. But, that's okay. I don't ever really have to be that way. I've seen improvements that make me happy. I say things and my face doesn't feel like it's an inch away from a blazing fire, my heart doesn't beat so fast it feels like it's going to explode from my chest. I don't think about everything I said in every conversation after it's happened. I'm not worrying about what others think of what I said or did.
Today's quote; "The best is yet to come." It's a continual work in progress, but the changes I've seen, especially recently, have given me more hope for my future. My anxiety isn't completely gone. There are still some things I worry about, but the level in which I worry about them is not as huge. I hope as I continue to push myself and work on my weaknesses, I will be able to better see what my Heavenly Father sees in me.
As always, thanks for reading.
---Maggie
dear anxiety,
you came knocking on my door the other day
i did not want to see you
you showed up unannounced
moments before i was about to leave
to hang out with my friends
you told me something would go
wrong
you told me i wold say or do something
stupid
embarrassing
or awkward
you came by my bedside just before i dozed off
you told me i needed to worry about
college
friends
and work
you told me
i would just be better off
staying home for good
you sat next to me just as i was about to
order dinner
you told me i'd fumble over my words
told me the waiter wouldn't hear me
you told me i would
somehow manage to mess up something
so simple
you told me if i left
home
my comfort zone
everything would go wrong
so i might as well cancel those plans
i might as well sit on the couch
watch tv
and pretend i'm sick
i really wish you'd stop bothering meWithin the past five months since being out in Rexburg, I've learned a lot. Not only educationally or spiritually, but also in myself and who I am becoming/want to become. At the very beginning of my time here, I worried about making friends and being social. It's never come easy, despite the fact I've always kind of had friends and I used to go out and hang out with people, especially as I got older and could drive. But, there was always some amount of anxiety hovering over me all. the. time. It was frustrating and horrible and upsetting. I saw a lot of people around me as outgoing, people that could talk to anybody and everybody. People who did well with small talk and deep conversations. I was never one for big groups and I would have to think for ten minutes about something to add, but by the time I'd fully formed a thought I believed would please my crowd and mustered up the energy and courage, the conversation had drifted off to something new. It was painful and by the end of the night of being out with friends, I would feel successful for leaving the house, but also exhausted from the energy I spent in being sociable.
i really wish you'd just disappear
There would be times when I would make up something as to why I couldn't go to a party, or hang out with a friend (even if we had already made plans). I backed out of plenty of things just because I knew the day of I would be counting down the hours until I had to leave to be with people, not from excitement, but because I would have to think of things to say, and gosh, what if there was a long silence? I had to be presentable and I couldn't just sit back, especially if it was one-on-one. Everything surrounding being around people carried a level of uncomfortableness. There was always something stopping me from being the person I imagined myself being.
Recently, I've found the anxiety that has constantly hovered over me for nineteen years has subdued slightly, but enough that I feel the difference. I enjoy talking to people and I don't always mull over my thoughts for 100 years before saying something. Being around people isn't so exhausting, being in groups doesn't feel like I'm slowly suffocating, and I vocalize myself more. Of course, I still enjoy time to myself every so often, but being around others and talking to them isn't something I feel I need to constantly escape from. I'm definitely not the loudest or most outspoken person and I'm sure I'll never really be that way, no matter how much time passes and how hard I continue to deal with my social anxiety. But, that's okay. I don't ever really have to be that way. I've seen improvements that make me happy. I say things and my face doesn't feel like it's an inch away from a blazing fire, my heart doesn't beat so fast it feels like it's going to explode from my chest. I don't think about everything I said in every conversation after it's happened. I'm not worrying about what others think of what I said or did.
Today's quote; "The best is yet to come." It's a continual work in progress, but the changes I've seen, especially recently, have given me more hope for my future. My anxiety isn't completely gone. There are still some things I worry about, but the level in which I worry about them is not as huge. I hope as I continue to push myself and work on my weaknesses, I will be able to better see what my Heavenly Father sees in me.
As always, thanks for reading.
---Maggie
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