Adjusting Focus

It's been a while since I've posted here. Quite frankly I've been in some very dark spots over the last little bit and my motivation to write has been almost non-existent. I've spent more days crying on the floor and more hours sleeping than I would like to admit. But, for the first time in a very long time, I felt a burst of inspiration. I'm reading " The Gifts of Imperfection " by Brené Brown. I'm currently on a "vulnerability/courage journey" so that I learn to stop hiding and running from my emotions, share those emotions with others, and also learn how to be more present when I am feeling good (I often find myself on edge, waiting for the next "bad" thing to happen to ruin the happiness I have). It's been very eye opening, terrifying, and uplifting. Once again, for the first time in a while, I'm getting new ideas and writing more. I take notes constantly. I also cry a lot still, and throw my own pity parties because I w...

So, I'm setting the date back in time to December for this blog post because I failed to write one all last month. Finals and the holidays were busy. So, here we are on January 2nd with a December blog post. Here are the past 12 very odd, exciting, boring, hard, growth-filled months. JANUARY: I started my last semester at community college. I made a goal for myself to raise my hand in at least one class once a week. I think as the months went on, I wasn't as great about it, but the anxiety I had before isn't as great. I raise my hand more and my face doesn't feel like it's on fire, so there's been some big improvements. I also started my first internship. It was definitely nerve wracking at first, but I was so excited to start working. It was really a growing experience and I absolutely loved it. It was freezing cold (I worked on a barn in the middle of winter) and I fell in horse poop mixed with mud. But, when the internship was over and I had completed my ho...

I've been thinking about a topic for my next blog post, but honestly it's been kind of hard. I've been feeling pretty negative lately. There's been a lot of changes recently, both good and bad, and the stress of all of those has started to feel quite overwhelming. I've forgotten my motto here on this blog- I'm not adjusting my focus. Instead, I'm staying in my pessimistic state. When it comes to college, the only thing I'm excited about is taking my classes. For all of the social things that await me, well, I could really hold off on all of those and be perfectly fine. My social anxiety has caused me to already feel the stress of finding new friends, participating in various activities, and being in an entirely new place. My separation anxiety has caused my to feel a ginormous wave of sorrow when I think about leaving my parents. I get extremely uncomfortable when I think about not being able to spend nights with my parents and spend time laughing with ...

Technically, this should be "The End: Part 5" because I've completed five semesters now, but whatever. SO, I've officially finished school and I'm simultaneously excited and uncomfortable about that. I was looking back on a blog post I wrote after my first semester finished. It's super weird to think how fast time has gone. It kind of freaks me out that I'm graduating soon (9 days from now) and that I really couldn't quite imagine this day coming when I first started. In the beginning it all seemed like it would be super hard, but it hasn't been that bad. I love the major I chose and because of it I've had some really cool opportunities. In the beginning of this whole program I started out as a lot different. Over these past two years I've found more confidence in myself. I've generally figured out what I want to do with my life. I've found actual value in education. I've learned some more about procrastination (but let's...

Yesterday I started my final semester at MWCC. It's kind of a weird feeling to think I'm so close to the end. To be quite honest it freaks me out that I've somehow made it to this point. I feel like I haven't been a part of the program for that long. It's like just yesterday I was sitting in my first class for the first time. Now I'm an (almost) experienced college student. By May 18th I'll be graduated from college! Already I feel kind of overwhelmed, though. There's a lot of paper writing, reading, and in my Human Growth and Development class, 65% of my grade comes from the four tests I'll be taking throughout the semester. I'm really hoping I do well on all four of those tests because even if I do great on the papers I have to write, that 35% will only help me get so far. It all just feels like a lot right now. I keep on telling myself I'll be okay. I've done a lot of hard, challenging things in my life. So when I start to freak out a...

This week has been a decently good week, I would say. On Monday I ran 6.5 miles, which was pretty cool. It was pretty rough there for a while, but, I took it slow and did it! My legs were pretty sore the next day but definitely worth it. We'll see if that ever happens again, though... I've been able to manage my homework pretty well and haven't screwed up too badly, which is also pretty nice. I could probably be more efficient with how I get my work done, but at least it always gets finished. I'm still wicked good at procrastinating, but still. I mean, I've managed to get this far in school with decent grades. Along with homework has come the time to start thinking about college and what to do and where to go. While I have been thinking about this since last year (when I entered into college), it just didn't seem as real when I was a junior. It felt so far away. Now, here I am. I have two semesters left and it's time to get my life together and apply. Alt...