Adjusting Focus

For a long time, I believed my religion was enough; it was all I needed in life. If all else failed, I had God. I had this organization I so devoutly believed in and followed. What I didn't realize was that the day would come I would feel this wasn't enough for me, that I was feeling isolated, resentful, and overall unhappy with where I was, and religion played a rather large part in that. And though I am much happier with where I am now, happy to be leading my life as an openly bisexual woman, leaving wasn't necessarily an easy choice. My therapist pointed out that I spent my entire life within this organization, and have only spent less than a year out of it. That meant my thinking wouldn't change over night, and it would take time. I expressed to her the guilt I often felt when I did the things I was always taught not to do-date women, for one, get tattoos, pierce my ears more than once, drink coffee, and a lot of other things, a lot of which are relatively small in ...

Good Friday was yesterday. Many (if not all) of you participated in, or at the very least saw a post about, the Worldwide Day of Prayer and Fasting. My heart remained heavy as I saw these posts and these invitations to join. I found myself struggling to have the desire to participate because of the betrayal I've felt from an organization I've dedicated my short life to. Before I continue, though, let me say this; I am in no way bashing on The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Personally, I would never do such a thing. It's something that offered me a lot of good growing up, and is something many of my loved ones know to be true, and I highly respect that. There are also parts of it I still believe and find good in. When watching General Conference last weekend, I recognized a large shift in what my life was like not that long ago. Flashes of my last conference, just last October, crossed my mind, because shortly before that conference, as I was pushing myself t...

Technically, this should be "The End: Part 5" because I've completed five semesters now, but whatever. SO, I've officially finished school and I'm simultaneously excited and uncomfortable about that. I was looking back on a blog post I wrote after my first semester finished. It's super weird to think how fast time has gone. It kind of freaks me out that I'm graduating soon (9 days from now) and that I really couldn't quite imagine this day coming when I first started. In the beginning it all seemed like it would be super hard, but it hasn't been that bad. I love the major I chose and because of it I've had some really cool opportunities. In the beginning of this whole program I started out as a lot different. Over these past two years I've found more confidence in myself. I've generally figured out what I want to do with my life. I've found actual value in education. I've learned some more about procrastination (but let's...

Eighteen years and two days ago, in a land far, far away (Guatemala), in a city, on a sunny day (I assume), I was born. Eighteen years and two days later, I'm sitting at my kitchen table reflecting on my short life. I find it amazing that somehow I've managed to make it this far, because when I was born, I didn't even have a real family, or a place to call home. For eight months I was floating around with some families, until my real one came along and adopted me. As a young kid, I was pretty horrible. I screamed, I slammed doors, I kicked walls, I punched and hit and scratched, I cried. I broke my glasses on multiple occasions out of anger. I was filled with anger and sadness. I couldn't put my feelings into words, and if I could, I would never say them out loud. When I wasn't angry, I was silent. There were times when I was fine to be around, but honestly, I don't remember too many of those times. For the majority of my life I was just confused and depres...

Before I continue with this post, I just want to thank you all for reading my last blog post , as well as for the support. I was a little hesitant about putting it up at first, but I'm glad I did. So, in December of last year I put up a post about the end of my first semester at MWCC. Now, the end of my second semester has finally come... and to be quite honest, it was as good as I had hoped. I came away with a lot of good lessons and I had amazing professors this semester. My English professor was literally my favorite teacher I've had and his obsession with Elizabeth Strout and her book, Olive Kitteridge , was quite entertaining. And, don't forget Stoner . I had one professor for three of my classes (Sociology, Intro to Human Services, and Psych of Self), which may sound terrible, but she was awesome, and when you have her for some 8:00am classes and the weather is really bad, life is pretty rockin' because you can sleep in for once in your life. Plus, her classes w...

I'm probably the worst person at making decisions. When asked what I want for a meal or where to go out, the conversations normally go like this; Me: "Where are we going for dinner?" Mom: "Where do you want to go for dinner?" Me: "I don't care." Mom: "Well what are you in the mood for?" Me: "What are you in the mood for?" Mom: "I'm flexible. Whatever you want." Me: "Well I'm not the only person who lives in this house. Other people eat too." Mom: "Don't you have an opinion?" Me: "No." Mom: "Okay then..." Me: "Well what do you feel like? What are the options?" Mom: "There's Chipotle, Panera, Bull Run... What do you feel like out of those?" Me: "Well... I could go for those salad things from Chipotle. Or I could go for a delicious salad at Panera. OR, I could get that thing I really love from Bull Run." Mom: ...