Finale

I started this blog as a way to look at my blessings even when life was hard. The idea was that when my life was messy, I would take a step back and see what the good was amongst the chaos. From a religious perspective I was taught to be grateful for life’s blessings, to find joy amidst trial. Therefore, this theme of “adjusting focus” seemed fitting for my life. And, often caught up in depressive episodes, it served me well for many years to focus on something positive, something to keep me going. 

While listening to “Untamed” by Glennon Doyle, I reflected much on who I have been throughout this blog and where I am now, especially after no longer being a member of my religious organization. I am nowhere near the same girl who started this blog. At 16 years old, my life was all around being this perfect, happy, Latter-Day Saint. I was put in a cage that told me who to be and how to act. I am no longer that person. I am wild and free from the cage which kept me in captivity. 

I am no longer rooted in this idea that “when life gets blurry” we must “adjust [our] focus.” Sometimes life just sucks and it’s okay to sit in that for a moment and say, “I hate this.” For much of my life I was taught to be grateful for my trials, to understand they were a test from God and would grow my faith. I was caught in toxic perfectionism to be this always happy, always grateful perfect LDS young woman. 

These days, when I have a bad day, my immediate thought isn’t, “Well what’s good?” Or “I can learn from this because God wants me to learn something.” It’s often, “I hate today, and that’s okay.” I either take a nap or write, or do something else relaxing. I do self-care in other ways that isn’t toxic thinking of “I have to change this to be okay.” That’s not to say this blog was toxic. Just the opposite. I have loved this blog with everything I have. It became this safe, welcoming community I wanted it to be. I had people open up to me, share with me how much the words I wrote meant to them. It allowed me to be my authentic self in many ways. It allowed me to express myself in the only way I know how to. I have grown and learned so much since I started this as a teenager. But now, like many things which have been boxed away from my former life, this blog has reached it’s end. Honestly, not only have I been struggling to know what to write for months, but I am changed. I am stronger and wilder, braver, and bolder. I am happy with the life I have created for myself in the last year, and for once, there is balance and peace. I am now ready to move on from Adjusting Focus. 

It has been several beautiful years on this blog and I thank each of you for reading, for following me on my journey through the years as I found myself. It is now time to move onto something new. I start graduate school in a month, move again, and really start my life. I am where I have always dreamt of being. It seems fitting to close this chapter. 

To end my final post, here’s my quote for today:

As always, thank you for reading.

—Maggie