Adjusting Focus

I believed I was a good person. At the same time, I felt dirty. Disgusting. Unworthy. Ashamed. Guilty. My sexuality was devilish. Carnal- something that would never allow me to be with God. But when I wrote my poems, it was freeing. Beautiful and who God made me to be. It was nothing to hide. It was as real a love as anyone else's. Wasn't that how it should always be? Coming out honestly seemed like a lot of effort when fundamentally, I stay the same. I love that scene in " Love, Simon " where people have to come out as straight , because that's a little bit how this feels. At the same time, it also seems right that I do it. My blog is so much about letting others know they aren't alone and there is always good to come. Suffering doesn't last a lifetime. My goal here is to create a community; a welcoming environment where people feel they don't have to hide. That's why I decided to write this post. I've denied my sexuality off and on for...

This will be my final blog post for the next 18 months as I leave to serve as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I'm nervous, excited, happy, a little sad, prepared and not so prepared, and everything else in between. It's a weird experience to be packing while also trying to finish a TV series when you only have two days left. I can't believe the time has finally come! Tuesday at around 8pm I'll officially be a sister missionary. Though I've had many friends go on missions and some come back, though my three brothers have all served their missions, and I've had a sister-in-law serve as well, I'm not entirely sure I'll actually be fully prepared to leave and start my own mission on Wednesday. I've been told a lot of things but the reality of it all is that I'm going to have to learn it all on my own. I'm definitely scared and my feelings of inadequacy have increased since getting my call but at the end of the d...

My mission papers were submitted within the first few weeks of returning back to BYU-I. A couple weeks later, when I was hoping my call would arrive, I was notified I needed a pre-mission evaluation. In that moment, my heart was slightly crushed. I wasn't sure how long it would take to get an appointment with LDS Family Services and how much it would push my call back. I called as soon as I could and got an appointment as soon as possible, even if it meant missing a class. After the evaluation (which basically just checked to see if I would be emotionally fit for a mission- I had to discuss my struggles with depression, anxiety, etc.) my papers would need to be resubmitted. I expected it to take another couple weeks. I checked the mail often. For a while there was nothing. Once the call was finally sent, I checked the mail pretty much every day. I continued to feel down and discouraged about the lack of getting the call. I knew of a good amount of people who'd gotten their cal...

So, I'm setting the date back in time to December for this blog post because I failed to write one all last month. Finals and the holidays were busy. So, here we are on January 2nd with a December blog post. Here are the past 12 very odd, exciting, boring, hard, growth-filled months. JANUARY: I started my last semester at community college. I made a goal for myself to raise my hand in at least one class once a week. I think as the months went on, I wasn't as great about it, but the anxiety I had before isn't as great. I raise my hand more and my face doesn't feel like it's on fire, so there's been some big improvements. I also started my first internship. It was definitely nerve wracking at first, but I was so excited to start working. It was really a growing experience and I absolutely loved it. It was freezing cold (I worked on a barn in the middle of winter) and I fell in horse poop mixed with mud. But, when the internship was over and I had completed my ho...

It's been a month since coming out to Rexburg. It's been tiring, long, boring, fun, and great all at the same time. Currently I'm fighting to not fall asleep and this has been happening all day. I could take a nap but that would disrupt my procrastination of doing my homework by writing a blog post. Besides, taking nap would mess up when I'm actually able to fall asleep tonight. Classes have continued to go well and I am still glad to be here. I'm continuing to push myself out of my comfort zone a little. I've had the opportunity to attend a Youth Mental Health First Aid training for my juvenile delinquency class (a training on how to help youth in crisis). I'm still lacking on making real food for myself. I've made a lot of rice, PB&J sandwiches, and chicken. But I'm surviving and having good experiences, and the past month has still been decently successful. My religion class is by far one of my favorite classes. My professor is amazing and h...

For about 12 years, I've been looking up pictures of Guatemala on the internet, taking every opportunity to do a school project on it, and reading books about the place I come from. I've stared at images of Lake Atitlan on a computer screen, I've studied the culture of my people, and I've tried to imagine myself in a place I've never physically seen. For about 12 years there's been some sort of hole in my being, a longing for a country I belong to less than I do North America. Now, after a little more than 17 years later, I returned back to my birthplace. The images on the internet, the studying, the reading, were all so different from physically being in such an amazing place. And while I would like to say it was also everything I had ever imagined over the past 12 years, it wasn't quite that way. But don't get me wrong, I still love my country and I always will. I will always have pride in the country I came from. It's an extremely culturally rich...

Two days ago, Adjusting Focus had it's two year anniversary! And though I am somewhat disappointed in myself that though the date was in my calendar and I forgot to write a blog post, I'm going to forgive myself because I'm writing one now. Over the past two years, I have been able to express a lot about myself through this blog. As someone who tends to be very quiet, introverted, and anxious when it comes to talking and sharing my thoughts and feelings to others, this blog has been an extremely helpful way for me to let people in on what goes through my mind sometimes. Adjusting Focus has, in all honesty, had a ginormous impact on my life. It's changed the way I think about things, and I'm always finding myself trying to think of what I can share with all of you, as well as how I can express myself in written word. It's been an outlet for me. There's always been some part of me that's wanted to have a blog. I didn't think I had anything particular...

My motto for 2015.  This year has been an interesting one! So, here is a quick review of what has happened over the past 12 months of my oh-so interesting life. JANUARY: I started my second semester at MWCC, taking classes that were more relevant to my major. FEBRUARY: I turned 17 and got asked to church prom, on the same night in which I had a surprise birthday party! MARCH: I went to Michigan with my mom to visit my brother and sister-in-law. APRIL: Prom month once again. Cherish and I got ready together which was really fun. Here are some pictures below. prom 2k15 MAY: Finally finished my second semester of college/my junior year. I also ran my first 5k! I figured my next step would be a 10k, but so far I've never run further than 6.5 miles. And that was once. And then I took a two month long break on running. So, there's that. Cherish left which was sad, and I became an only child once again. But I am grateful for the internet and text messaging. And Snapc...

Tonight I had the opportunity to speak at the Interfaith Thanksgiving Service with the churches of Littleton. It was really nice and I enjoyed hearing others speak. Although kind of nerve wracking, I was glad I had the opportunity to give a small talk. I've decided to post it up here for others who weren't there, or perhaps missed some things with my habit of talking too fast in front of large groups (I apologize). You'll find it down below. Tonight I would like to start with a quote by President Gordon B. Hinckley, prophet of the LDS church, who once said, “When you walk with gratitude, you do not walk with arrogance and conceit and egotism, you walk with a spirit of thanksgiving that is becoming to you and will bless your lives.” I like this quote because it's very true. Gratitude enables us to focus on all that is good, instead of all that is bad. It is not prideful and believing you are better. It is thanking the Lord and being humble. People enjoy being around ...