A Trip of a Lifetime

For about 12 years, I've been looking up pictures of Guatemala on the internet, taking every opportunity to do a school project on it, and reading books about the place I come from. I've stared at images of Lake Atitlan on a computer screen, I've studied the culture of my people, and I've tried to imagine myself in a place I've never physically seen. For about 12 years there's been some sort of hole in my being, a longing for a country I belong to less than I do North America.
Now, after a little more than 17 years later, I returned back to my birthplace. The images on the internet, the studying, the reading, were all so different from physically being in such an amazing place. And while I would like to say it was also everything I had ever imagined over the past 12 years, it wasn't quite that way. But don't get me wrong, I still love my country and I always will. I will always have pride in the country I came from. It's an extremely culturally rich place with beautiful people.
Leading up to our trip, I couldn't contain my joy. I couldn't control my excitement when we got our itinerary. Weeks before, I was still pretty psyched. A week before, I started having my doubts about a lot of things. The days leading up to our trip were all kind of surreal, but the excitement came back a little bit. I couldn't believe that I was finally going back. I didn't start packing until the night before, not due to my procrastination, rather due to the fact I thought I was dreaming about it all. When we woke up that morning for our flight, I found myself much less worried about safety and everything else. I was looking forward to looking out the window as we landed in Guatemala City... And when we did, I started getting a little emotional, telling myself I was back and this experience was going to be really, really good.

Landing in Guatemala

Behind me there were two younger girls, both speaking Spanish. They had been speaking to each other throughout the whole flight, but hearing it on the way down, something kind of hit me. One of the girl's was about eight, her voice small and sweet. She started speaking to her sister and I thought about myself, and how I wished that when I was eight, I was speaking Spanish- I knew how to say more than "How are you?" and "Thank you" and "Please." This stung a little, especially because I was going back 'home'. Here I was going back to a place I was supposed to know so much about and be a part of.
I took a deep breath and I smiled and waited for the plane to land. Once down, we got our stuff and went through the process of entering a foreign country, and made our way to meet our tour guide. We got in the van (our tour guide would take his car and meet us at our hotel) and our driver brought us to through the city to get to Antigua.
Since we landed at night, it was all pretty dark, despite the lights, so it was hard to really see what everything looked like. But I tried to take it all in, so I looked out the huge windows of the van and I watched the people walking on the streets and looked at the buildings and everything else. I got a little emotional on the drive in. It was hard to believe I was finally back. It was weird to see so many people who shared some sort of resemblance to what I look like.
Our hotel in Antigua was extremely nice. The pillows were some of the best hotel pillows (or pillows in general) I had ever slept on. Right outside our rooms was a jacuzzi. It was beautiful. The hotel definitely added to the experience of Antigua, and helped make it my favorite place we went to. When we got in, we set a time to meet our tour guide the next morning, and settled in our rooms. When we woke up the next morning, we ate breakfast at the hotel. At first it was a little bit of a challenge to order, despite the fact the waiters spoke decent English. And after we ate, we got ready for our first full day in Guatemala.

All of Antigua

We drove to the top of this 'mountain' to overlook all of Antigua. The entire city could fit in one picture, and it was absolutely beautiful to see it all from above. The buildings can only be painted one of the twelve colors allowed, but every color is so vibrant and beautiful. And after we went to the top, we walked around and visited some gorgeous church buildings.
 Our lunch was delicious and the first real traditional food I had had from my country. I discovered chicken is much better in Guatemala. Also, their guacamole is some of the best guacamole ever. For dinner we got to see some traditional Mayan dancing. Our waitress believed I spoke Spanish and when we had slight trouble with the bill, she explained to me the problem in Spanish, so I just pretended like I understood (luckily my dear brother speaks Portuguese and could pick up some vital words). But it was nice to pretend I could understand the language. It made me feel like I belonged a little more.
Overall the first day in Antigua was pretty good. I did have some difficulty the first several hours of the day. It was such a shock to see so many people like me, and to be back. It was so different from home and different than I imagined it would be. It was hard for me that I couldn't communicate with these people. But I did love the couple days we spent in Antigua.
Some more pictures from our first day (mostly from the same church...)

Our second day I reached a level of tiredness I didn't know I could really reach. We hiked up Volcano Pacaya, and by the time we reached the top, I dropped my backpack on the ground and took in the view. I was glad to finally take some time to breathe normally. It was exhausting. Just when I thought it was over, my brother and I walked down a giant steep hill with our volcano guide to roast marshmallows. That was a cool experience and the marshmallows were good. The walk back up to where our tour guide and parents were was tiring once again. I kind of felt like my lungs would explode and my calves killed. But I pushed to the top and was pretty glad to get the chance to relax for a bit and each lunch. 

We ate the best meal I've ever had in this entire world at our tour guide's home. His wife made us shrimp and beef, with amazing vegetables and potatoes. Beforehand we got a Honduran meal, beans and fried tortilla strips. They gave us some really good hibiscus drink. The meal was phenomenal. Our tour guide had two younger daughters who brought us out our food and everything. They were so sweet and adorable. It was a great evening with a lovely family. 

Here are a couple pictures from our hike:

The following day we traveled to Lago de Atitlan (Lake Atitlan). Our 2-3 hour drive took 5 hours due to a strike that shut down part of the highway. During this I also started to get a little sick. I took some Tylenol and fell asleep for a bit. Eventually we made it. It was breathtaking to see the lake as we drove down to our hotel. I kind of felt this 'finally' kind of feeling. Lake Atitlan is a place I've dreamed about seeing since... forever. I used to stare at pictures of it on Google images all the time. And while it wasn't always super sunny during out stay there, it was still beautiful. And when we walked to our hotel rooms, a macaw was sitting right outside. 

Our first day we visited two towns, Santiago and San Juan. Santiago was cool because we walked through this little marketplace filled with Guatemalans and fruits and vegetables. In Santiago I also bought this gorgeous painting of a Mayan woman weaving. The art throughout all of Guatemala always amazed me and I'm really happy I got to bring a piece of it back.

While walking around in Santiago towards the end, an old woman started to follow my family and me around to get us to buy her weavings. Then a teenage girl followed us to sell us her key chains. Wherever we went, they came. This was frustrating for a couple reasons; one because no matter how many times you said, "No, gracias," they wouldn't listen. The second because I thought of myself and what would happen if circumstances were different. I thought of myself in their situation, a young girl or an old woman, how I could be the one saying, "Necesito dinero" (I need more money). I would be the one following the Americans around trying to sell my stuff to survive. Perhaps not, but the world will never really know. This was a thought that came to me often, because this was the life of so many people. I've never had to worry about my survival. I'm lucky that I can live comfortably and have a job just to earn some extra money for myself, not because I have to support my family. 

San Juan was much nicer. We ate a traditional mean in a Mayan home. We had some delicious cinnamon rice drink and great food. We talked with this woman in her twenties, who was very kind. As nice as it all was, there was a hard part about the whole thing (as there was always a hard part about a lot of things we did). I felt bad when the woman found out that I myself was a Mayan woman, but one who could only speak English. I wish I could have known Spanish and some Mayan dialects. I wish I could know more of my culture and wear it more than the American one I have on my back. I wish for a lot of things and I realized this during our time, but I know that I am blessed to be with my family in America.

Our next day we went on a nature reserve walk in Atitlan. Our tour guide gave us some bananas to feed to some monkeys, so that was cool. We did go to this little butterfly place, which was horrifying but I made it through without too much damage. We got to walk down to this little beach area and actually touch the lake water. I know I keep on saying things are "beautiful" and "amazing" but they all were. And the lake was the same. While there were definitely challenges along the way, it was all so wonderful. 

After we got to eat lunch on the terrace of a restaurant/dining hall where they were prepping for a wedding. Halfway during our meal, I started to get sick again. My mother and I ended up taking a tuk tuk back to our hotel (I'll put in an image of what that is...). I slept a little and eventually got a fever, but after receiving a blessing from my brother, I ended up feeling back to normal by the end of the night. It was a little miracle. 

In order to travel from place to place in Atitlan, we had to travel by boat... we definitely got a little air at points. Thanks rainy days!

In San Juan, we saw a weaving demonstration, and apparently they will put banana slices in their dye to soak the thread in order to set it. 

Google image of a tuk tuk. Definitely an experience. 

We woke up early the next day to travel to Chichicastenango. We walked through the marketplace and visited a couple churches. We got an hour to wonder around Chichi. It was incredible. And I realized that whenever I lingered behind my family, or went ahead of them, I was treated differently. When I was with my family, people would follow us around to sell us their stuff. When I wasn't with them, the only thing that made me different was my clothes. People only greeted me with, "Buenos dias," and "Buendia." I liked it a lot better, because I wasn't treated so much like a stranger. I was treated like one of them. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I love that part of them got to experience this with me, but it was still hard. It seems that no matter where I travel in the world, I kind of stick out when I'm with them and people like to stare.

I didn't get any pictures while in Chichi, and you'll notice I didn't take pictures of any of the people there. I didn't feel these people were on 'display' for me. They were just people living their lives. A people I felt connected to (while simultaneously feeling disconnected from). I love portrait photography and I'm interested in people and what they do and how they interact with their surroundings, so sometimes I saw people and I wanted to take their picture, but I wouldn't. These were my people. And perhaps none of that really made sense, but I'm not quite sure how to word it all well. It's just how I felt. So I stuck to taking pictures of nature. 

I walked away from Chichi with a lot of different emotions, and some beautiful things. Chichicastenango was another place I have dreamed about since I was a kid, and seeing it, though hard, was also a blessing.

We drove to the airport after Chichi for our flight to Flores. It was really nice and we got some good snacks during our short time in the air. After landing, I soon learned that the northern part of Guatemala was not the place for me. I do not do jungle and weird insects and humidity. 

Our little airplane to Flores!

We did a small hike in the Petén jungle, which while beautiful, was disgusting. It was so humid it was like breathing under water. I don't do good in heat. My skin reacts horribly and I get all itchy, my skin gets these white patches all on my arms, face, and legs. Even as a kid I used to get pretty sick in the heat. So, the jungle was not my friend. During our hike, my thoughts were this (written in my journal as well), "This is what the fiery pits of Hell feel like." I reached a point I almost broke down and I thought that if our trip ended then and we were to not spend another day in the jungle, I would be fine. But, once we got to Tikal, I was glad our trip wasn't over and despite the heat, I made it through. 

We walked on a lot of suspension bridges during our time in the northern part of Guatemala

The view after one of our hikes, but I was too exhausted to stand...

Tikal was breathtaking. I had always imagined it as a place with just a few temples, but it goes on for miles and miles. The temples are huge and amazing. It's unfathomable to me that my ancestors built such massive structures... and so many! It was like every mound and hill you saw was something that had yet to be uncovered. It was an entire civilization that I wished I could have seen when they were new temples and buildings. 

These little animals were the size of puppies, and unfortunately I forget what they're called. But they were pretty cute.

A very bad picture of a spider monkey in a tree.

Guatemala was the trip of a lifetime. At times it felt more like a nice vacation I was taking with my family. And this idea bothered me for a bit. Recently until I started writing this blog post actually. On the last day I felt really underwhelmed by my lack of emotion. I imagined myself being much more of a mess honestly. I thought I would... I don't know quite what I thought, but I imagined it differently. But reflecting back on it, I felt a lot of different things. I felt loss, anger, frustration, appreciation, gratitude, and joy. That's not a lack of emotion or feeling at all. It just took me a while to let it all really sink in. Writing this blog post made me emotional and I'm really glad I had the chance to write it, because I've realized some things about this experience. So, even though it still felt like a vacation a lot of the time, it was also a learning experience for me and I did indeed feel a lot of things.

When talking with my counselor/therapist a week ago, she asked me what I walked away with from it all. I was kind of stumped, especially because then I still felt the "underwhelmed' emotion, but I told her it filled a whole in my heart. And it did. It answered some questions for me. Before we left I looked at my adoption papers again. I found out the time I was born- 3:45pm. It's kind of silly to really care about what time you were born, but I've gone 18 years without knowing something regular children kind of know. I've always made up a time of day and now I can say with surety I know. I actually cried when I found it in my paperwork. And I settled the debate on where I was born; Mazatenango, a municipality of Suchitepequez. I know what it's like to finally be surrounded by people who look like me, to know what it's like to not be the minority. It was empowering. I don't have to keep on asking myself what it would be like if I were to ever go back. So, some questions I've been carrying around with me have finally been answered. Going back filled this void. I feel more at peace. 

I had a couple people ask me if I was going back to find my biological mother, or something like that. When we were nearing the end of our trip, I was asked if I ever thought about her while we were there. Honestly, I had only thought about her twice, and just for fleeting moments. I didn't even go back to the place I was born. But even without doing all of that stuff (half of which I didn't even want to do), I feel a little bit more whole. And I owe it all to my parents. They saved up for this trip and understood the importance of it all for me. I'm so grateful a part of my family was able to go with me and deal with the range of emotions I felt. In fact, I'm getting a little teary-eyed writing this right now. Without them, I wouldn't have been able to answer some really big questions. I would still be staring at pictures online of what this place looks like. I would never have been able to experience such a culturally rich place, and be surrounded by some really beautiful and kind people. I owe everything to them. 

There's a part of me that's glad it did feel a bit like a vacation as well. I suppose it means that I'm happy with my life. I'm pleased with where I am. Though I will always feel some amount of loss in my culture and in my language, in knowing what it's like to look like the people you're surrounded by, I would never change any of it. 

Today's quote is this; "Better to see something once than to hear about it a thousand times." I no longer have to stare of random images of Guatemala that others have taken. School projects and reading books will never be the same. I have my own pictures, my own learning experiences, journal entries and this blog to look at now. I am so incredibly glad I got to go back to the place where my journey began, and I'm glad I got to share it all with you as well.

---Maggie