Adjusting Focus

Good Friday was yesterday. Many (if not all) of you participated in, or at the very least saw a post about, the Worldwide Day of Prayer and Fasting. My heart remained heavy as I saw these posts and these invitations to join. I found myself struggling to have the desire to participate because of the betrayal I've felt from an organization I've dedicated my short life to. Before I continue, though, let me say this; I am in no way bashing on The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Personally, I would never do such a thing. It's something that offered me a lot of good growing up, and is something many of my loved ones know to be true, and I highly respect that. There are also parts of it I still believe and find good in. When watching General Conference last weekend, I recognized a large shift in what my life was like not that long ago. Flashes of my last conference, just last October, crossed my mind, because shortly before that conference, as I was pushing myself t...

I believed I was a good person. At the same time, I felt dirty. Disgusting. Unworthy. Ashamed. Guilty. My sexuality was devilish. Carnal- something that would never allow me to be with God. But when I wrote my poems, it was freeing. Beautiful and who God made me to be. It was nothing to hide. It was as real a love as anyone else's. Wasn't that how it should always be? Coming out honestly seemed like a lot of effort when fundamentally, I stay the same. I love that scene in " Love, Simon " where people have to come out as straight , because that's a little bit how this feels. At the same time, it also seems right that I do it. My blog is so much about letting others know they aren't alone and there is always good to come. Suffering doesn't last a lifetime. My goal here is to create a community; a welcoming environment where people feel they don't have to hide. That's why I decided to write this post. I've denied my sexuality off and on for...

If you asked me what I thought my life would be like in a year from the time I stepped off the plane in Massachusetts after my mission, I would've never imagined anything that's happened. During my last night as a missionary, I stared up at the ceiling in complete darkness. I was nervous, terrified, excited, feeling about every emotion possible. I wondered what it would be like to finally hug my parents again. What would it be like to watch a movie? Or have my own phone again? What would happen when my mission, the thing I loved the most, was gone? Some nights I lie in bed and think about the last year. I've learned more about God's mercy and grace than ever before. 2019 has been nothing short of easy, but also one of the greatest years of my life. I've found my purpose in life again. I've established really good friendships for once in my life, I've stood up for myself, and I've found God in a much more real way. On one of those nights where I lie...

Your body is a temple. It's a gift from God.  Treat it well.  Somewhere, somehow, at the age of probably 14, I decided my body was disgusting. It's a strong word, but it's exactly what I thought. I looked in the mirror, day after day, feeling like there was too much of me there. I wanted to be like the other skinny girls; I couldn't handle looking like the ones society labeled as 'big'. It set me off into a storm of tears and stomping on the scale.  I thought things were too tight on my body. I thrived when my guy friends would comment on how small I was. I loved when girls at school would say how good I looked. There was one morning I weighed myself and hated the numbers I saw on the scale. I sobbed and told myself I was too fat, that no one would ever like me, that I had to be better the next day. During my advisory period a boy told me I was skinny and I thought, "Oh, he thinks I'm skinny, so I must be. I'm doing okay." Followed by, ...

I'm currently writing to you as I sit on a blowup mattress in my brother and sister-in-law's living room, with what turned out to be a really bad braid, and with nails that are too long, so typing is actually really irritating. BUT I've had a post I've been meaning to write down for a while, so here I am. If you've followed up on this blog since the beginning of the year, you'll know my 2019 life motto is " Bloom ." It's a word which I feel sums up what this whole year was going to be for me- and it has. The year's not even over yet, but boy oh boy have I learned so much and found more of myself than ever before. I started college again, was seriously depressed and so anxious I barely left my room, decided to see a counselor on campus but he turned out to be... the worst... started the journey of medication, found a new therapist, ended up with a boyfriend for a brief time, gained and lost friends, started getting slightly political on social...

Recently, I've been typing out some of my favorite poems I've written as I've finally filled another notebook and moved on to a new one. I've been reading some good poetry books and decided to type one up from my own works just to have. As I was going through and typing them up, I came across one that is one of the most near and dear to my heart. It was written on July 26th, 2016. It wasn't that long ago, but it was definitely a time where I was struggling a little. It's titled "dear anxiety," and was recently submitted for one of my rough drafts in my creative writing class. It was anonymous, so I felt much better about sharing it there. This is a much more public space, but I thought I would share this poem because my long and grueling journey with anxiety is something I (very personally) feel I want to share with those of you here. So, here it is: dear anxiety,  you came knocking on my door the other day i did not want to see you you showed u...

I wrote a little poem last night after stake conference. The theme was the atonement, and during the meeting I thought of the first part, and after it was over, I wrote the rest. Hopefully you like it! Through Him   I have stepped on shards of glass And been healed Only to step on a thousand nails  I have walked with the sun shining And I have walked in the midst of a storm  I have taken the wrong path When I thought I was right  I have lost something precious along the way Even though I held it close to my heart  I have sinned And been forgiven Only to have sinned again Because I am quick to give in  I have had joy Only for it to be taken away by something out of my control  I have messed up Because I have let my pride get in the way  I have experienced loss of family and friends Even though I have loved them  I have traveled for many miles And I will travel for many more  I have lived for many years ...