I'm currently writing to you as I sit on a blowup mattress in my brother and sister-in-law's living room, with what turned out to be a really bad braid, and with nails that are too long, so typing is actually really irritating. BUT I've had a post I've been meaning to write down for a while, so here I am.
If you've followed up on this blog since the beginning of the year, you'll know my 2019 life motto is "Bloom." It's a word which I feel sums up what this whole year was going to be for me- and it has. The year's not even over yet, but boy oh boy have I learned so much and found more of myself than ever before.
I started college again, was seriously depressed and so anxious I barely left my room, decided to see a counselor on campus but he turned out to be... the worst... started the journey of medication, found a new therapist, ended up with a boyfriend for a brief time, gained and lost friends, started getting slightly political on social media, and came home for a seven week break to realize I love being home and take way too many things for granted (like toilet paper that isn't 99 cents and being able to buy avocados).
In a three part series I hope to share with you what's really been going on in the 10 months since I've been home. A lot has been going on inwardly and I've been in the process of figuring out where these changes will take me down the road. The other day I wrote this poem which became a real jump start to the posts which will follow:
My "battle" has almost always been anxiety and depression. I prayed the anxiety would dissipate on my mission. The depression hadn't been an issue for a few years. There were bouts of anxiety while I served in Utah, but generally I was confident and happy. Then I went back to school.
My first two semesters back were almost as hard as the first two. Probably harder. I came home without much purpose in life, I have never questioned my faith in God and Jesus Christ so hard, and I felt like my life was a big joke. I was constantly exhausted and felt my world caving in. Every second was a battle in my head.
A few months ago I was talking about my battle with perfectionism and how that has caused a lot of intense anxiety. When I started seeing a counselor on campus I had high hopes, despite how broken I felt. Unfortunately, his approach wasn't the best for me and he tried to dictate my relationships into his way of thinking. I would walk away feeling worse than when I came, wondering if I would ever get better and if my spirituality would come back. My parents advised I find someone else. But throughout that process, I started my journey with medication. This part has previously made me uncomfortable to share and I worried about what other's would think, but as someone who is passionate about mental health, I've come to see this is nothing to be ashamed of. And a disclaimer before I start; this is my personal experience with medication. I'm not "promoting" it and we all have things that work for us. Personally, I always felt too prideful for it, but I've come to see the benefits in my own life and the difference it's made.
I never liked the idea of medication. I didn't want to feel dependent on something. I'm very much a "figure it out and do it on my own" type of person, especially when it comes to my mental health. I'll turn to a professional, but other than that, it's a lot of me asking God to help me make it through the day and telling myself it won't last forever. But when I walked to class thirty minutes early to avoid as many people as possible on campus, when I thought of excuses of how I could get out of presentations and interviews, when I had to take a deep breath and mentally prepare myself to walk out of my room and into the kitchen to get a drink of water because I'd been too nervous to do so for the last 3 hours, I knew I needed more help. For my entire life I'd been working on my anxiety and if it wasn't going away after an 18-month mission of constantly being put in social situations and being promised by God I would always have the words to say, it wasn't going away as a typical college student.
It's been an exhausting journey. I felt weak having to go on medication. My body was put into this horrible whirlwind of side effects and shaky hands, falling asleep in class, and feeling worse than before. I paid close attention to my doctor when we talked about medication. I didn't want to take a lot of risks, yet I felt so desperate to make the anxiety stop I kept pushing through the rapid changes. And then, we found the right one. It's all been a huge game changer. Anxiety doesn't overrule me like it used to. I don't feel oncoming panic attacks at the grocery store, walking in a city isn't terrifying. I'm fine asking a store clerk for something. I laugh and am myself so much more when I'm in public than before. And I'm a lot happier too. My depression has subsided. It's like a dark cloud moved out of the way so the sun could finally shine on me a little. Of course there is some anxiety and some days I feel a little down, but the level isn't the same. It's been freeing. I've never felt so good. I feel like I have the ability to stand on those mountaintops.
My anxiety brought me to a lot of breaking points. It was like this irritating cold that never left my side and lingered. Every time I thought I got rid of it, it came back with its taunting voices and feeling of impending doom. I don't really remember what it's like to not feel the need to run all the time. I'm not entirely convinced I've ever felt that way. But now I've stopped going over simple conversations in my mind a thousand times because I feel I said one thing wrong and the other person probably pities me or thinks I'm weird. I get "normal" anxiety about meeting new people or going on dates, or being put in a new situation. It doesn't feel like I'm being tossed into the middle of the ocean with nothing but my inability to swim for longer than two minutes back to shore. Anxiety brought me to a lot of low and dark places. But I won't ever let it win.
Today's quote:
As always, thank you for reading!
---Maggie
If you've followed up on this blog since the beginning of the year, you'll know my 2019 life motto is "Bloom." It's a word which I feel sums up what this whole year was going to be for me- and it has. The year's not even over yet, but boy oh boy have I learned so much and found more of myself than ever before.
I started college again, was seriously depressed and so anxious I barely left my room, decided to see a counselor on campus but he turned out to be... the worst... started the journey of medication, found a new therapist, ended up with a boyfriend for a brief time, gained and lost friends, started getting slightly political on social media, and came home for a seven week break to realize I love being home and take way too many things for granted (like toilet paper that isn't 99 cents and being able to buy avocados).
In a three part series I hope to share with you what's really been going on in the 10 months since I've been home. A lot has been going on inwardly and I've been in the process of figuring out where these changes will take me down the road. The other day I wrote this poem which became a real jump start to the posts which will follow:
the girl i was before-I know it's easy to read things like this and think, "Gosh, I'm not even close to that." The reality is I'm still on my way there. I wrote this in a particularly empowered moment while I was reading poetry in my room and feeling really optimistic about my future. I just feel myself getting closer to that point as I continue to work and push myself to keep doing the things I'm scared to do. And I hope, I so hope, you understand we are all in different places and there's no use in comparing yourself to others. If you don't feel you're close or whatever you feel from reading this, remember we're all on our own journeys. I write this to express myself and help others find inspiration and that they aren't alone in all of their battles in life.
enslaved to the voices
in her head
"over two numbers on a scale is too much
if only you were skinnier than the rest
you'll mess up the moment you
speak
boys don't like
girls like you
you're better off dead"
the girl i was before-
ashamed of her skin
embarrassed to speak her mind
the girl i was before-
exhausted
she looked at the mountains before her
and whispered
"no more"
the woman i am now-
standing tall
embracing my differences
working through my weaknesses
and shouting from the
mountain tops
"you can't step on me
anymore"
My "battle" has almost always been anxiety and depression. I prayed the anxiety would dissipate on my mission. The depression hadn't been an issue for a few years. There were bouts of anxiety while I served in Utah, but generally I was confident and happy. Then I went back to school.
My first two semesters back were almost as hard as the first two. Probably harder. I came home without much purpose in life, I have never questioned my faith in God and Jesus Christ so hard, and I felt like my life was a big joke. I was constantly exhausted and felt my world caving in. Every second was a battle in my head.
A few months ago I was talking about my battle with perfectionism and how that has caused a lot of intense anxiety. When I started seeing a counselor on campus I had high hopes, despite how broken I felt. Unfortunately, his approach wasn't the best for me and he tried to dictate my relationships into his way of thinking. I would walk away feeling worse than when I came, wondering if I would ever get better and if my spirituality would come back. My parents advised I find someone else. But throughout that process, I started my journey with medication. This part has previously made me uncomfortable to share and I worried about what other's would think, but as someone who is passionate about mental health, I've come to see this is nothing to be ashamed of. And a disclaimer before I start; this is my personal experience with medication. I'm not "promoting" it and we all have things that work for us. Personally, I always felt too prideful for it, but I've come to see the benefits in my own life and the difference it's made.I never liked the idea of medication. I didn't want to feel dependent on something. I'm very much a "figure it out and do it on my own" type of person, especially when it comes to my mental health. I'll turn to a professional, but other than that, it's a lot of me asking God to help me make it through the day and telling myself it won't last forever. But when I walked to class thirty minutes early to avoid as many people as possible on campus, when I thought of excuses of how I could get out of presentations and interviews, when I had to take a deep breath and mentally prepare myself to walk out of my room and into the kitchen to get a drink of water because I'd been too nervous to do so for the last 3 hours, I knew I needed more help. For my entire life I'd been working on my anxiety and if it wasn't going away after an 18-month mission of constantly being put in social situations and being promised by God I would always have the words to say, it wasn't going away as a typical college student.
It's been an exhausting journey. I felt weak having to go on medication. My body was put into this horrible whirlwind of side effects and shaky hands, falling asleep in class, and feeling worse than before. I paid close attention to my doctor when we talked about medication. I didn't want to take a lot of risks, yet I felt so desperate to make the anxiety stop I kept pushing through the rapid changes. And then, we found the right one. It's all been a huge game changer. Anxiety doesn't overrule me like it used to. I don't feel oncoming panic attacks at the grocery store, walking in a city isn't terrifying. I'm fine asking a store clerk for something. I laugh and am myself so much more when I'm in public than before. And I'm a lot happier too. My depression has subsided. It's like a dark cloud moved out of the way so the sun could finally shine on me a little. Of course there is some anxiety and some days I feel a little down, but the level isn't the same. It's been freeing. I've never felt so good. I feel like I have the ability to stand on those mountaintops.
My anxiety brought me to a lot of breaking points. It was like this irritating cold that never left my side and lingered. Every time I thought I got rid of it, it came back with its taunting voices and feeling of impending doom. I don't really remember what it's like to not feel the need to run all the time. I'm not entirely convinced I've ever felt that way. But now I've stopped going over simple conversations in my mind a thousand times because I feel I said one thing wrong and the other person probably pities me or thinks I'm weird. I get "normal" anxiety about meeting new people or going on dates, or being put in a new situation. It doesn't feel like I'm being tossed into the middle of the ocean with nothing but my inability to swim for longer than two minutes back to shore. Anxiety brought me to a lot of low and dark places. But I won't ever let it win.
Today's quote:
---Maggie
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