18 Years of Learning

Eighteen years and two days ago, in a land far, far away (Guatemala), in a city, on a sunny day (I assume), I was born. Eighteen years and two days later, I'm sitting at my kitchen table reflecting on my short life. I find it amazing that somehow I've managed to make it this far, because when I was born, I didn't even have a real family, or a place to call home. For eight months I was floating around with some families, until my real one came along and adopted me.
As a young kid, I was pretty horrible. I screamed, I slammed doors, I kicked walls, I punched and hit and scratched, I cried. I broke my glasses on multiple occasions out of anger. I was filled with anger and sadness. I couldn't put my feelings into words, and if I could, I would never say them out loud. When I wasn't angry, I was silent. There were times when I was fine to be around, but honestly, I don't remember too many of those times. For the majority of my life I was just confused and depressed. While that all sounds sad -and it is- I have been greatly blessed and out of those hard years, I've come away with a lot and grown to be closer to the person I want to be.
These days, I don't slam doors, or kick walls (that stopped once I was told I would have to fix the walls myself). After some counseling and neurofeedback, I've found a lot of happiness. Granted, my life isn't perfect and when bad things happen I'm not like, "Wow. This is great. I love trials." I still have a tendency to mumble and say, "Why me?" or, "This is ridiculous, I don't need this." But, I don't let myself spiral like I used to. I've found a lot more peace.
I feel like there's been a lot of growth, especially within the past two years. I'm started to take more initiation in my life. I'm learning to speak out more and stretch myself. I've always been someone who's just comfortable in the background (for the most part), and someone who is fine not always saying much or anything at all. I tend to let others do the talking. Sometimes I'll say something and I'll put myself out there, but not often. But right now, I'm telling myself that I can't continue to do that all the time. I have to allow myself to grow. In my previous blog post, I talked about how I was going to start speaking in class more often, and how I made a goal for myself. Since then, I've managed to talk at least once or twice each week in class. This goal might sound silly, but it's a goal I really needed to make for myself. It's allowing me to share with others the experiences I'm having, and the thoughts I have. It's also helping me get better at not being so uncomfortable talking in groups, which is huge. That goal has help me jump at more opportunities to speak. Like a couple of weeks ago, I offered to each a lesson in church today. Not only did it help me grow spiritually, but it also enabled me to speak in front of a small group and teach. So, talking is something I've started to slowly get better at. While I'm still not the best, and I can still be decently awkward around people, I'm progressing.
Education is another thing I'm starting to take charge of. I know we've all heard so much about my college program, but I'll just mention it again... When I was in high school, I wasn't very happy, and for a myriad of reasons. As a 9th grader my aspirations in life were to drop out of high school at 16 and... well, that was it. That was all I had planned. Time went on and I realized that receiving an education was important and it was something I needed to do. So I left the school I was attending to go to a different one. High school was never a good place for me socially, and honestly, it was a little weird being one of the few minorities in my last high school. In general, I just didn't feel like I really belonged anywhere in high school. So I made the choice to leave again. Now, here I am, at MWCC, earning my Associate's degree in May, and a high school diploma in June. I've finally found a place where I need to be, and where I belong. I'm happy. I mean, there are still days where I kind of wonder what I'm doing with my life, and where I get super stressed and let that eat at me for days. But, I remind myself that there's a purpose. Education is one of those things I used to never put at the top of my list of priorities. I mean, I still procrastinate a lot, but I have dreams and aspirations to help people, and I'm not going to let anything stop me. I do plan on being a stay-at-home mom for a while when I have children, but gaining knowledge and getting a few degrees is something I am most definitely planning on doing, too. And I want to pass that importance of education onto my kids.
This post sounds like I'm just bragging about my accomplishments, and I don't mean it to sound that way. What I want people to get out of this is that nothing can happen if hard work doesn't occur, and that's something I've learned throughout my short life. I could've given up on myself as a kid. My family could have too. But I didn't and neither did they. By close to eighteen years of hard work and endurance, I've gotten here and they have too. Sometimes I feel bad about this, to be quite honest. The fact that I have the chance to play the piano and write as many novels as my heart desires. That I have an education. That I have the gospel and a family who loves me. Because these are all things my biological mother never got. And I'm sure the same goes for my biological brothers and sisters. I'm not sure where any of them are at this point, or if they're even alive, but I've always wished they had these things that I've been so blessed to have. I try not to feel bad. I know that where I am is where I'm supposed to be. It's all been a plan since before any of us where even born.
As a baby who kind of didn't have a whole lot, I've come away with so much more than I'm sure I could have ever dreamed of. Still, being adopted isn't an easy thing. I have hundreds of questions that will remain unanswered for a very long time. But my family has made these seventeen years and four months a lot easier. They have helped me reach this point, and taught me a lot about life and the gospel and everything in between. I'm grateful for them and these years. I've made it this far because of the gospel and my family.
Tonight's quote is:

I might not have had a family for eight months, but it was all part of the plan, and now I have one, and they're mine for all time and eternity.

And now, some pictures :) 

First Christmas

First Christmas part 2 with the three best brothers

17th Christmas 

Senior 2k16

As always, thanks for reading!

---Maggie