I define myself by a thousand things that probably don't matter in the long run; I'm anxious. I'm brown. I'm this and that and the list goes on. If I'm to be completely honest, most of them are negative. As I began reading a book (Brave Girl Eating) for a class I'm taking this semester, I realized that I've been forgetting my most important identity that isn't defined by the world and by myself. I am more than my problems and the things that have happened to me in the past.
This will be an unplanned continuation from my previous post on perfectionism- a lesson I'm still desperately trying to learn and apply in my life on a daily basis. As per usual, I'll be honest. In my Abnormal Psychology class we talked about how there is such a stigma around mental health. It's improved a lot over the years, but there's still a long way to go. As a future social worker and one who is generally passionate about mental health and bettering lives, I want others to know they're not alone.
I've been anxious my entire life. It's not an exaggeration. People make me nervous, crowds set me off, hanging out with friends can be a struggle, going to school causes me to worry, and I have been constantly worried about what others think of me (the list could go on about what I'm anxious about). Last semester seemed really hard for me in regards to my anxiety. I would sit in my social work classes and feel overwhelmed by the idea of working with others and in one class, where we interviewed real people with real issues in front of the whole class, I would fight the urge each time to not go to class, or walk out. I was willing to make up any story so I could get out of it because it caused me so much stress. Now, in 18 months I talked to complete strangers without too much of a problem for most of my mission. I taught lessons and even sang and played the piano in front of large groups. I gave trainings to missionaries and I spoke in congregations so many times I can't even tell you. Why was it so hard for me to do something I was literally getting my major in to do for the rest of my life? Something I was so seemingly passionate about? I've received various answers to this question through the spirit and have pushed myself to not give into the easiest options for me- to write and play the piano until the day I die, in solitude. Still, despite these answers and pushing myself, I'm still trying to find more answers and work through them.
I started attending an anxiety workshop on campus to help me gain some new skills and better deal with the issue. It helped a little bit and I'm still trying to implement those skills. I pushed through my practice class with the interviews and continued to do things that put me out of my comfort zone socially. Still, I would often find myself reverting back into my room when I felt overwhelmed and I cried myself to sleep a few times as I prayed to Heavenly Father and asked Him why it had to be so hard for me to just live a normal, social life. To my friends, it might not seem like this is a problem I face. I can talk effortlessly. I can joke and I can do the occasional crazy thing and go on a random adventure. I can be in a group and participate. I can do so much on the outside, but on the inside I feel as though I'm drowning. I dwell on the things I said. I'm a "mind-reader" which is a sort of cognitive distortion, which in my case I just assume that whatever someone said or did towards me means they don't like me or something else negative. I get uncomfortable right before I have to go out. I feel a sense of pressure released once I'm able to go to bed. It's too much of a victory when I make people laugh or do something fun. I write about it in my journal and fight myself to not run and text my mom, "Hey! Look what I just did!" so I can receive affirmation that I'm doing the right thing and pushing myself. Externally it might not seem so real. Sure I am shy initially. Yes, it does take me some time to warm up and then I'm probably a little intense and loud, but internally I still struggle so much. Every day is a victory when I do something that isn't just going to class. Even that's a victory on some days.
I've begun doing various things to work on it. For now I'll focus on my counseling because the others I'm just not quite ready to delve into here yet. But, I am excited to start my journey into counseling again. It's something I have waited to do since last semester, but due to so many students needing counseling services for various reasons, the counseling center was scheduled out and I never got to make it in. I'm here now and ready to dive into my anxiety and other issues I'm working on. I've only attended once, but it's already been a good experience. In therapy it's important we do our own part, especially when the session is done.
I've learned a lot of things about myself already, things my counselor and I will talk about and work on through the weeks and probably months of this semester. And though I do speak positively of my experience thus far, I do want to acknowledge that it has made me feel broken. As I leave to walk to the student health center I feel a piece of me break away. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough. It makes me wonder if when I told my counselor that I'm a social work major and have major anxiety he thought, "Huh. That's odd." (and that's a thought I've obsessed about since my meeting with him because I'm still embarrassed by that fact). It makes me feel like I'm not good enough to be a social work major, despite how hard I push myself and involve myself in various activities. When I've walked into the room where my anxiety workshop was held I would think, "Gosh, why can't I run this myself? Why do I have to sit here and agree with all these people?" It hurt my pride. A lot.
My counselor and I talked a little about how much pressure I put on myself... constantly. It's a theme in so many of these posts about how we don't need to look a certain way, or act a certain way, or overall be a certain way in order to please those around us. I suppose it's been the theme of my 21 years of existence. I always used to tell myself I wasn't a perfectionist, but the more I think back on so many things in my life, on my mission, and now, I can't believe I used to say that. When I ended up with a B grade for my best interview for that social work practice class last semester, I was really upset about it. I thought I hadn't done a good enough job and I wasn't cut out for this. I needed my mom in that moment because she turned to me (and I paraphrase) and in a loving way said, "For crying out loud, Maggie. You got a B for your interviews in a class that gave you so much anxiety you nearly didn't go!"
I define myself by my anxiety, by how much of a perfectionist I am, and by the fact I feel I am never good enough. I am my anxiety. I am a perfectionist. I'm not good enough.
Except I'm not my anxiety. I'm not defined by my perfectionism. I am good enough.
Though these have all overruled my life, they do not define who I am.
In my first religion class of the semester I was reminded of our ultimate identity. My teacher bore her testimony to us, in which the spirit testified to me, that the most important of all the ways we identify ourselves is this: A child of God. I am a daughter of God. That matters more than my anxiety and anything else I've ever dealt with and will deal with. It made me think of a scripture from Isaiah 64 which reads, "But now, O Lord, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand." I came across this scripture about 2 years ago and it's been a favorite of mine ever since. It's a reminder that God knows what He is doing. He is molding us to become something more than we are. We are His children and He loves us and knows us perfectly.
I am a child of God. And so are you.
To close, I want to share this:
I am a child of God. And so are you.
To close, I want to share this:
Thank you for reading! I hope this was a reminder to some of you of your divine identity. I also hope that someone out there recognizes they aren't completely alone in their battles. We can win and overcome.
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