This weekend I was blessed to be able to go down and visit my mission again. I got my old car back and was able to drive around to see some old places I served in and visit some wards I was in too. It ended up being much more therapeutic than planned and I learned a lot and I needed a place to share that, so here we are.
On Sunday I attended two different wards. I walked into my first sacrament meeting and looked around at this congregation of people I had grown to love. In this congregation sat three people I met who were either baptized or learning more about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It made me miss teaching and I wondered what more I had to offer in being home.
The meeting ended and for the first time I was able to hug one of the guys I taught (as a sister missionary we weren't allowed to hug those of the opposite gender). I gave a big ol' hug to another one, and was able to talk with another girl I'd been teaching right before I left. Fo
r a moment it was great to relive my time with them and to catch up. I soon left to go to another ward. I was warmly greeted by everyone there too. Others I'd grown close with greeted me and some I'd only talked to a few times said hello and waved. I talked to the elders in the ward and they told me about the people I'd taught and how they were. It hit me again- that used to be me.
This was my third time back, but I think what made the change this time, why it felt so different, was because I've started wondering if I was good enough for this new task ahead of me. I was the happiest I'd ever been during those 18 months. Every journal entry everyday would basically end with, "Overall, a good day despite the challenges. Exhausted." My world was about Jesus Christ. I had hours to study about His gospel. There were no other real worries. Of course there were long days, and there was admittedly a time I almost called up my mission president and said, "Send me home," and there were days I was a little tired of getting doors slammed in my face and people yelling at us. But, I wouldn't change it for the world. For a long time I didn't want to go home and I didn't want to be home.
At the beginning of 18 months it can be hard to feel like you can make it. It seems like a long time to be without your family and real connection to the outside world. It feels exhausting to wake up at 6:30 every morning and work nonstop until 9-9:30 at night and do it all over again every single day with no real break until the next time you step off that plane back home. It's daunting to say the least. But I've found that the Lord qualifies those whom He calls. I loved the strength I received to do everything I honestly thought I couldn't. It's helped me immensely since coming home.
Despite all these changes I made, though, could I make the rest of my life? There lies so much ahead of me. Sometimes I lie in bed at night and think, "Gosh, can I really help people? Am I good enough for what I want to do? What am I doing?"
The reality of life hit me really hard when I came home. During those 18 months I worked hard and I did everything I could with the Lord's help. When I came home, I wondered if I could do it again. Could I talk to people like I had on my mission? Could I keep up with my scripture reading? Could I do this or that and do everything? I desperately wanted to follow God's will for me. I wanted to do what I was supposed to and I wanted to be able to feel fulfilled. I wanted to continue to find joy and continue to progress. I wanted to grow in school and be able to find something I was passionate about. It had begun to feel like I was really just putting a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect. My mental health had to be perfect, my life, everything.
I learned this Sunday that I had done my part so far. I had made an impact, I had aided in helping others change their lives. I had done everything Heavenly Father called me to do. My testimony grew immensely. My foundation in Jesus Christ became sure and I was stable. Now it was a matter of continuing to do just what I had done on my mission in a new way that fit this new stage of life and remember God was going to be with me.
This weekend I learned that we don't have to be perfect at everything. We might feel overwhelmed with the task in front of us, but it will turn out how it's supposed to. We're not broken because we need help. We're not useless because we don't know how to do something. We are constantly learning and growing and blooming. What I learned this weekend is that trying our best is enough. As we work hard and aim for something higher, it doesn't always matter if we hit the bullseye. If that were to happen our lives would always be easy and we would never learn and appreciate our successes.
I went to Utah this weekend with a lot on my subconscious. It was great to be back in my last area and to reflect on the good that happened. It can be easy to wonder if I did anything worthwhile. It can be easy to let the adversary get to me and tell me I wasn't good enough then and I'm not now. The reality is that none of that is true. Seeing those I taught continue to progress, seeing others come to church, being warmly welcomed in those wards made me feel like I had done something. And I am going to do good things moving forward. Just like those 18 months weren't always easy, the next 18 won't either. And the ones after that. But they will be good. The Lord is on my side. He's on yours too. He doesn't expect perfection from us now.
Here's a quote from Elder Holland I immediately thought of:
On Sunday I attended two different wards. I walked into my first sacrament meeting and looked around at this congregation of people I had grown to love. In this congregation sat three people I met who were either baptized or learning more about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It made me miss teaching and I wondered what more I had to offer in being home.
The meeting ended and for the first time I was able to hug one of the guys I taught (as a sister missionary we weren't allowed to hug those of the opposite gender). I gave a big ol' hug to another one, and was able to talk with another girl I'd been teaching right before I left. Fo
r a moment it was great to relive my time with them and to catch up. I soon left to go to another ward. I was warmly greeted by everyone there too. Others I'd grown close with greeted me and some I'd only talked to a few times said hello and waved. I talked to the elders in the ward and they told me about the people I'd taught and how they were. It hit me again- that used to be me.
This was my third time back, but I think what made the change this time, why it felt so different, was because I've started wondering if I was good enough for this new task ahead of me. I was the happiest I'd ever been during those 18 months. Every journal entry everyday would basically end with, "Overall, a good day despite the challenges. Exhausted." My world was about Jesus Christ. I had hours to study about His gospel. There were no other real worries. Of course there were long days, and there was admittedly a time I almost called up my mission president and said, "Send me home," and there were days I was a little tired of getting doors slammed in my face and people yelling at us. But, I wouldn't change it for the world. For a long time I didn't want to go home and I didn't want to be home.
At the beginning of 18 months it can be hard to feel like you can make it. It seems like a long time to be without your family and real connection to the outside world. It feels exhausting to wake up at 6:30 every morning and work nonstop until 9-9:30 at night and do it all over again every single day with no real break until the next time you step off that plane back home. It's daunting to say the least. But I've found that the Lord qualifies those whom He calls. I loved the strength I received to do everything I honestly thought I couldn't. It's helped me immensely since coming home.
Despite all these changes I made, though, could I make the rest of my life? There lies so much ahead of me. Sometimes I lie in bed at night and think, "Gosh, can I really help people? Am I good enough for what I want to do? What am I doing?"
The reality of life hit me really hard when I came home. During those 18 months I worked hard and I did everything I could with the Lord's help. When I came home, I wondered if I could do it again. Could I talk to people like I had on my mission? Could I keep up with my scripture reading? Could I do this or that and do everything? I desperately wanted to follow God's will for me. I wanted to do what I was supposed to and I wanted to be able to feel fulfilled. I wanted to continue to find joy and continue to progress. I wanted to grow in school and be able to find something I was passionate about. It had begun to feel like I was really just putting a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect. My mental health had to be perfect, my life, everything.
I learned this Sunday that I had done my part so far. I had made an impact, I had aided in helping others change their lives. I had done everything Heavenly Father called me to do. My testimony grew immensely. My foundation in Jesus Christ became sure and I was stable. Now it was a matter of continuing to do just what I had done on my mission in a new way that fit this new stage of life and remember God was going to be with me.
This weekend I learned that we don't have to be perfect at everything. We might feel overwhelmed with the task in front of us, but it will turn out how it's supposed to. We're not broken because we need help. We're not useless because we don't know how to do something. We are constantly learning and growing and blooming. What I learned this weekend is that trying our best is enough. As we work hard and aim for something higher, it doesn't always matter if we hit the bullseye. If that were to happen our lives would always be easy and we would never learn and appreciate our successes.
I went to Utah this weekend with a lot on my subconscious. It was great to be back in my last area and to reflect on the good that happened. It can be easy to wonder if I did anything worthwhile. It can be easy to let the adversary get to me and tell me I wasn't good enough then and I'm not now. The reality is that none of that is true. Seeing those I taught continue to progress, seeing others come to church, being warmly welcomed in those wards made me feel like I had done something. And I am going to do good things moving forward. Just like those 18 months weren't always easy, the next 18 won't either. And the ones after that. But they will be good. The Lord is on my side. He's on yours too. He doesn't expect perfection from us now.
Here's a quote from Elder Holland I immediately thought of:
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| Tomorrow the Lord Will Do Wonders Among You |
I suppose this was all a roundabout way to say that when I went back to Utah this weekend, I was able to remember a lot of the lessons I learned from my mission that in a short four months I was beginning to forget. I've begun to apply them to where I'm at now and I was reminded of my newfound purpose.
I'm continuing to find happiness. Continuing to learn and grow. And continuing to not put so much pressure on myself to be "perfect." I didn't have to be perfect as a missionary and I don't have to now. I was able to conquer a lot of fears over those 18 months and just because I'm home doesn't mean I'm doomed forever to keep living with the things that never got better. Prayer is always an option. Christ's atonement is always there.
You and I are enough.
---Maggie
Wow, you certainly captured your feelings. You have built a wonderful foundation for your future.
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