It was 7:30pm on a Monday when I was driving to my new apartment from my first day at my new internship. I honestly couldn't stop smiling. Salt Lake has already been a dream come true (minus the nasty pollution). Intern days are a little long sometimes, but I also love being there and come home feeling fulfilled. It makes me excited to continue in my education and career goals. I'm ready.
As I've been thinking of what this next year will be, I recognize a lot of changes will be happening. First, my "big" move to Salt Lake and the start of my internship, then my graduation from BYU-Idaho in July. Other things are coming and also a lot of unknowns. I'm really excited for this year and everything that's ahead. Honestly, the last year was SO up and down. While grateful for those challenges and for all the good as well (because without it 'Bloom' wouldn't have happened), I'm ready for 2020. For once I feel like I have a solid foundation. I have much better coping skills, I feel a lot more confident, and I've returned to God. Also, (no shade) but I'm not on campus. I'm away from the sometimes toxic culture of BYU-Idaho. Away from judgments and pressure to be someone I'm not. I'm able to breathe!
So with this year, with everything that's happened, and everything to come, my motto is this;
It seems so fitting for the next year ahead. The other day I was writing in my journal after my first week at my internship. It's been an incredible experience so far. For so much of this program, I lived in fear. Up until last semester I wasn't sure I would be able to finish the program the way I felt like I should. The idea of my internship was terrifying. Even the thought of it almost sent me into a panic attack. I couldn't imagine being put in so many unfamiliar situations. I was so scared of failing. Constantly. I wasn't sure I would ever make it to this point. In my journal I wrote, "BUT I AM HERE." It's been really freaking hard and some days I still wake up wondering if I really can do it, but I'm here. In a place I never thought I could be. I found courage to keep going.
I want this year to be the "Year of Courage" because I don't want to hold myself back anymore. I want to take the things I've learned in therapy, from life, the use of medication, and strength from God to help me move forward.
Of course, I recognize not everything will go as planned. There will be really hard days. There have already been times my OCD has felt out of control. I walk out the door with my bed unmade and things out of place and I can't concentrate on the things in front of me. I make myself late to things because I'm picking up fuzz off the carpet. ED has grabbed me with its bony fingers and whispered, "You're gaining a 100 pounds by not going to the gym today." But I know those things don't have to stop me from becoming the person I want to be. I can break free from those moments. And in the times I don't, I know it's not the end. Those moments don't have to hold me back and stop my progression (recovery is never linear anyway).
All of us can "go after courage." In some of our darkest moments, in times when we feel we're trapped, we can conquer. They say courage isn't the absence of fear, rather doing something even though you're scared. For me it's also not giving up. It's taking even the tiniest step forward (something I remind myself of often as I leave my apartment with my bed unmade). Courage is standing up when you've been completely knocked down and you feel there's no more strength left in you. And sometimes it's even planting your feet on the ground after your alarm goes off in the morning.
2020 is our year, my friends.
Thanks for reading!
---Maggie
So with this year, with everything that's happened, and everything to come, my motto is this;
I want this year to be the "Year of Courage" because I don't want to hold myself back anymore. I want to take the things I've learned in therapy, from life, the use of medication, and strength from God to help me move forward.
Of course, I recognize not everything will go as planned. There will be really hard days. There have already been times my OCD has felt out of control. I walk out the door with my bed unmade and things out of place and I can't concentrate on the things in front of me. I make myself late to things because I'm picking up fuzz off the carpet. ED has grabbed me with its bony fingers and whispered, "You're gaining a 100 pounds by not going to the gym today." But I know those things don't have to stop me from becoming the person I want to be. I can break free from those moments. And in the times I don't, I know it's not the end. Those moments don't have to hold me back and stop my progression (recovery is never linear anyway).
All of us can "go after courage." In some of our darkest moments, in times when we feel we're trapped, we can conquer. They say courage isn't the absence of fear, rather doing something even though you're scared. For me it's also not giving up. It's taking even the tiniest step forward (something I remind myself of often as I leave my apartment with my bed unmade). Courage is standing up when you've been completely knocked down and you feel there's no more strength left in you. And sometimes it's even planting your feet on the ground after your alarm goes off in the morning.
2020 is our year, my friends.
Thanks for reading!
---Maggie
Go for it !!
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