Called to Serve: Part 1

As a little girl, the idea of serving a mission was something I desperately wanted to do. The older I got, the less this seemed to be. I just stopped thinking about it. But years later, my first youth conference focused on missionary work. I was paired with another girl and we would be 'companions'. We taught a lesson to some stranger, I felt the spirit, and bore my testimony at the end of the weekend. I said how that experience, the whole three days, showed me that being a missionary was something I wanted to do again, despite how much the idea of being away from home scared me. Once again, time seemed to fade that idea.

For one Wednesday night activity we went to a zone conference, or something along those lines. A ginormous group of sisters and elders were gathered, with some extra people sitting in rows behind them. At some point, one of the elders was bearing his testimony. It was then that I had this overwhelming feeling that I had to serve a mission. At the exact moment my entire body went cold and hot, my heart burning, my thoughts were this; "Oh no. I have to serve a mission." Tears welled in my eyes and without wanting an answer, I got one. I continued to sit through the meeting, emotions just a complete mess.

Not too long after this experience, I told my mom while sitting in the food court at the mall. I told her it was something I didn't want to do. At that point, I wasn't really sure I could. I still had a hard time being away from home for more than three days. After that I just got sad and worried something bad would happen. As a kid, I had major separation anxiety. A lot of that still carried over into my teen years. 

Ever since that night, the thought of going on a mission was something that tormented my being. This has been going on for about 2 years now. I would have my moments where I told myself I would go and it would be fine. Other times, I decided I wasn't going. Plenty of girls didn't go and that didn't mean they were any less spiritual, or they were just bad in general. This is very true, but I was just trying to rationalize what the Lord had already told me personally to do. I would fight with myself practically every day. It was something that would keep me up late at night. And then one day I just decided I wasn't going at all. After that, my anxiety lessened on the subject and I just kept pushing it out of my mind. Every once in a while it would creep back up, but I'd made the choice myself. I was not going. At all. Eventually the guilt of that started to eat me up inside. I was deliberately going against what the Lord wanted me to do- something He had been telling me to do for years before it literally hit me that one night. I then decided I would wait to see how college went, how the experience of being away from home put a toll on my emotional well-being. That, at least, seemed like a good step. 

Once college started going surprisingly well, I knew my next step was to pray. I'd been doing that for a long time, but I was just so stubborn, the Lord probably was like, "Maggie, you know the answer, just go with it." I just felt like there wasn't a legitimate answer at all. My back and forth, then deliberate no, was a loss in faith. 

I had the opportunity to go watch a session of the October General Conference in Salt Lake City last semester. We had tickets for the second session, so for the first one we walked around Temple Square. Not too long after we stepped foot on temple grounds did two sister missionaries approach the group of us. They talked to us for a while, then we made our way closer to the Tabernacle. As we got closer to the speakers they had around, I heard President Dieter F. Uchtdorf giving his talk. After seeing the sister missionaries and in need of a question to be answered for that conference, I said a prayer in my heart. As I began, I immediately heard President Uchtdorf speak, "I am grateful the restored gospel of Jesus Christ has answers to the most complex questions in life." I continued with my prayer, confident I would get an answer. 

I was tired of the back and forth. I just wanted to know and be sure. I knew I had already received my answer and somewhere deep in my heart I knew what I was supposed to do, but I wanted to be so sure that that was what the Lord wanted me to do. I no longer wanted to question my path. And not two seconds after my prayer did I receive another overwhelming feeling. My body went hot and cold, my heart burned again, but my first thoughts weren't "Oh no." Instead, they were words of comfort; "You'll be fine. You'll be safe." It was in that moment I knew those words were in response to my prayer. They meant that I would be just fine on my mission and my anxieties about it would lessen. I would be safe. I had this feeling that I would be sent to a place like where I was sitting, or perhaps a visitors center. A friend then turned to me and asked about missions and my prayer was further answered.

A couple days later after we got back and I was walking back from class, I called my mom to let her know. I started telling a few other people as well. I was excited and I knew that it would be okay wherever I went. And as I started filling out my papers and going to doctors appointments, the excitement grew.
The journey getting to where I am now was definitely not easy, but I'm eternally grateful for this gospel and the answers it provides. Without Him, I would not be at this point in my life to receive my call and willingly accept it.
Today's quote:

Thanks for reading!

---Maggie