Home

Since leaving my home in Massachusetts to go to my first semester at BYU-Idaho in 2016, I've managed to move/have new roommates every few months (and on a mission a new area and a new companion every so often). Though I like to plan out my life, I've grown accustomed to knowing no place is ever permanent for me. My move to Utah, though, would be different. I planned on being here for a while to get state residency, and hopefully apply to grad schools close by. That meant Salt Lake would (most likely) be the longest I've ever stayed in one place since high school. 

I've come to realize that the inconsistencies of where I live and who I'm living with has been harder than I've led myself to believe. I used to tell people I loved the change of never being "still" for too long. In some ways, the change is nice. Moving and living with new people every so often has allowed me to meet my closest friends, and have some incredible memories/experiences. On the other hand, I've also longed for a place that didn't just come and go, a place where I could create, play music whenever I want, live by my own rules, and just fully belong in. A safe space that was bigger than a room I crammed my belongings into. I've just wanted a place to live in for longer than a few months.

About a month ago, I moved into my first real apartment on my own. It's been an adventure; I spent the first week and a half without a single chair to sit on, or table to eat at. I still don't have a couch so when I want to relax I just lie on the floor or go to bed. I just got a desk chair the other day, which was exciting because it meant I could use my kitchen table for eating instead of literally everything else. The first morning was eerily silent and sometimes the quiet still feels overwhelming, but I've grown used to living on my own and generally enjoy it. I can decorate things how I want it. Organize it the way I like. Do whatever I want. I have a cat now and she's made my apartment feel less lonely (she literally wakes me up before my alarm every morning to climb on top of me and insist I pet her). As I've gradually brought in mismatched furniture and decorated the beige and boring walls of my apartment, I realized, for the first time in a long time, I'm starting to feel a little bit of that permanency and belonging I've ached for. Just the other day I walked into my room and smiled because it was finally full and homey.

I'm starting a new chapter as I've really settled into my apartment and new routine. I'm not going to lie -those first couple of weeks were rough. There was a lot going on and I felt like I'd taken on too much too soon. Just the other week I had a long conversation with my parents about how I'd been feeling lately and I started bawling. I'm eternally grateful for them because after that conversation, I felt hope for the first time in a long time. It was after that I believed Utah could be where I find I belong. 

You know, at first Utah was just an escape for me. A place to rid myself of BYU-Idaho and break free of the chains of my religion. I believed coming here would solve all my problems from before. It definitely hasn't and some have gotten worse (all despite my good intentions), but at the end of the day I'm glad I'm here. Even though everything isn't perfect and how I imagined, I wouldn't change it. It's becoming more than just a place I ran to now. I also know that no matter what happens, I have people I can turn to and everything will work out as it should. I've made it this far despite everything that's happened since January.

In honor of this new phase I'm in, I wanted to share this:

Here's to Utah, my new home. 

---Maggie