Adjusting Focus

Leaving on a mission is a hard thing. Suddenly it feels like all of your support systems are gone. You're thrown into this foreign place (some more than others) with new people and new cultures, and suddenly it feels like your weakness are being shouted from the rooftops. When I first came to Utah, I wasn't sure I would be able to do it all. The task ahead seemed daunting. I had no idea what I was doing. And mission life is nothing at all like the life I had before. But missions are an amazing thing. The thing is your support systems aren't all gone. Our Heavenly Father is right there beside us. I remember the first night I was in Murray, in my first area in Utah. I knelt by my bedside and immediately started to cry. I told God I needed Him, that I wasn't going to be able to do any of this without His help. I needed His help to speak, to walk, to get up every morning, to do everything He called me to do. And looking back I can see He was truly right there, standing ri...

This will be my final blog post for the next 18 months as I leave to serve as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I'm nervous, excited, happy, a little sad, prepared and not so prepared, and everything else in between. It's a weird experience to be packing while also trying to finish a TV series when you only have two days left. I can't believe the time has finally come! Tuesday at around 8pm I'll officially be a sister missionary. Though I've had many friends go on missions and some come back, though my three brothers have all served their missions, and I've had a sister-in-law serve as well, I'm not entirely sure I'll actually be fully prepared to leave and start my own mission on Wednesday. I've been told a lot of things but the reality of it all is that I'm going to have to learn it all on my own. I'm definitely scared and my feelings of inadequacy have increased since getting my call but at the end of the d...

My mission papers were submitted within the first few weeks of returning back to BYU-I. A couple weeks later, when I was hoping my call would arrive, I was notified I needed a pre-mission evaluation. In that moment, my heart was slightly crushed. I wasn't sure how long it would take to get an appointment with LDS Family Services and how much it would push my call back. I called as soon as I could and got an appointment as soon as possible, even if it meant missing a class. After the evaluation (which basically just checked to see if I would be emotionally fit for a mission- I had to discuss my struggles with depression, anxiety, etc.) my papers would need to be resubmitted. I expected it to take another couple weeks. I checked the mail often. For a while there was nothing. Once the call was finally sent, I checked the mail pretty much every day. I continued to feel down and discouraged about the lack of getting the call. I knew of a good amount of people who'd gotten their cal...

As a little girl, the idea of serving a mission was something I desperately wanted to do. The older I got, the less this seemed to be. I just stopped thinking about it. But years later, my first youth conference focused on missionary work. I was paired with another girl and we would be 'companions'. We taught a lesson to some stranger, I felt the spirit, and bore my testimony at the end of the weekend. I said how that experience, the whole three days, showed me that being a missionary was something I wanted to do again, despite how much the idea of being away from home scared me. Once again, time seemed to fade that idea. For one Wednesday night activity we went to a zone conference, or something along those lines. A ginormous group of sisters and elders were gathered, with some extra people sitting in rows behind them. At some point, one of the elders was bearing his testimony. It was then that I had this overwhelming  feeling that I had to serve a mission. At the exact mome...

Recently, I've been typing out some of my favorite poems I've written as I've finally filled another notebook and moved on to a new one. I've been reading some good poetry books and decided to type one up from my own works just to have. As I was going through and typing them up, I came across one that is one of the most near and dear to my heart. It was written on July 26th, 2016. It wasn't that long ago, but it was definitely a time where I was struggling a little. It's titled "dear anxiety," and was recently submitted for one of my rough drafts in my creative writing class. It was anonymous, so I felt much better about sharing it there. This is a much more public space, but I thought I would share this poem because my long and grueling journey with anxiety is something I (very personally) feel I want to share with those of you here. So, here it is: dear anxiety,  you came knocking on my door the other day i did not want to see you you showed u...

So, I'm setting the date back in time to December for this blog post because I failed to write one all last month. Finals and the holidays were busy. So, here we are on January 2nd with a December blog post. Here are the past 12 very odd, exciting, boring, hard, growth-filled months. JANUARY: I started my last semester at community college. I made a goal for myself to raise my hand in at least one class once a week. I think as the months went on, I wasn't as great about it, but the anxiety I had before isn't as great. I raise my hand more and my face doesn't feel like it's on fire, so there's been some big improvements. I also started my first internship. It was definitely nerve wracking at first, but I was so excited to start working. It was really a growing experience and I absolutely loved it. It was freezing cold (I worked on a barn in the middle of winter) and I fell in horse poop mixed with mud. But, when the internship was over and I had completed my ho...

My blog posts in November always have some Thanksgiving theme so I've been thinking a lot about what I'm thankful for. While the list can go on and on, the biggest thing for me is how grateful I am that school has been going so well. As I've said before, I was really worried about how things were going to end up being in Idaho. While I completed an Associate's, I had never been away from home. As my brother and I got closer and closer to school, I felt the longevity of my stay. The new environment and people were all slightly horrifying. Part of me really just wanted to stay in my senior/sophomore year of school forever. Now, a couple months later (though it's felt like a year while simulatenously feeling like it's only been 2 weeks), I've made it to Thanksgiving in one piece and I've already made some good memories. I was so worried about making friends because I'm often very shy and quiet when people first meet me. It takes some time for me to war...