Leaving on a mission is a hard thing. Suddenly it feels like all of your support systems are gone. You're thrown into this foreign place (some more than others) with new people and new cultures, and suddenly it feels like your weakness are being shouted from the rooftops. When I first came to Utah, I wasn't sure I would be able to do it all. The task ahead seemed daunting. I had no idea what I was doing. And mission life is nothing at all like the life I had before.
But missions are an amazing thing.
The thing is your support systems aren't all gone. Our Heavenly Father is right there beside us. I remember the first night I was in Murray, in my first area in Utah. I knelt by my bedside and immediately started to cry. I told God I needed Him, that I wasn't going to be able to do any of this without His help. I needed His help to speak, to walk, to get up every morning, to do everything He called me to do. And looking back I can see He was truly right there, standing right next to me, cheering me on every step of the way. There were some long days. Really, really, really long days. There was a point on my mission I was pretty set on going home. I was physically and spiritually so exhausted, I wasn't sure I could carry on for the next 5 months. It seemed like it was too much. I thought about this once and I remember when I prayed one day, I felt an overwhelming feeling of love. I realized that I wasn't alone. I was never alone. I thought back to every single morning when I woke up at 6:30am despite the fact I felt like I couldn't do it one more day. I thought back to when I was able to talk to a complete stranger even when it scared the heck out of me. I remembered when there were those days it felt like everything that could go wrong did go wrong, but there was still something in that day that ended up making me write in my journal, "Today was a good day." I was able to recognize that God's hand was in my life every single day, at every single moment.
I wouldn't trade the experiences I've had over the last 18 months for anything in the world. It was better than I could've ever imagined. It changed my life. It was incredible to see others come closer to Jesus Christ, to change their lives and see them enter into the waters of baptism, just like our Savior had done. My faith has grown so much and my foundation is rooted in Jesus Christ. It was absolutely incredible. So much so that when the time came to come home, I wished I wouldn't have to.
On the airplane home, as the plane took off, I had tears rolling down my face as I knew that the next time I came back, my life wouldn't be the same. It was a little embarrassing and I had an isle seat and the girl next to me seemed a little weirded out that I was crying, so in my head I kept going, "Gosh dang it, Sister Linzey, get it together. You did everything you needed to and now it's time to go home. Pull yourself together and stop crying." I kept quoting John 14:27 to myself. I kept telling myself it was going to be okay.
My first day home I did pretty well. There were no tears and I was excited to be back with my family. I was excited for the journey ahead. But then a couple of days later, it all hit me. I was sitting by myself and it kind of felt like my life was ending. Like, it sounds really dramatic but it's true. Suddenly my life felt like it didn't have a purpose. There was nothing for me to do but sit on the couch and stare out the window as it started snowing. A few days later it's still really hard. I feel like I have no idea who I am or what I'm even doing here. I definitely feel cheated in the way that I went on a mission and ended up loving it more than I could've ever imagined, and then it just felt like it was all taken away from me. I had never been happier than in those 18 months. Despite the fact it was hard, nothing had brought me more joy than bringing souls to Christ. I felt so fulfilled and like I was doing something important. But now I'm home and I've watched some movies and listened to some new music, and that's about it.
It's been really hard to adjust. But I don't write this to tell you that my mission was the best thing of my life and now I'm just utterly depressed and my life will never be worthwhile again. I'm very open and honest on here, which is funny because in real life I really hate feeling so vulnerable and emotional, but I feel like I need to write this and share it with you all because we all go through these times in our life where we feel kind of lost and hopeless. I mean, if you look back at almost any of my previous blog posts, you'll see what I'm talking about. And so now, I want to tell you all (and reassure myself) that God has a perfect plan for all of us. It's not going to be easy. If I had it my way, I would've stayed in Utah. I would've just served until the end of my life. But that's not what's supposed to happen. These 18 months was supposed to help prepare me for the rest of my life. I have a lifetime ahead of me to continue learning and growing and sharing my testimony and serving my Father in Heaven. Of course it will never be the same as it was, but life still has a purpose. It's something I'm trying really hard to see and understand myself.
There is so much for all of us to do. There's so much we all have to offer. So if right now you feel like you have no clue what's going on and you feel lost inside, know God loves you. This knowledge saved me countless times in my life and especially on my mission and it's something that's saving me now. One of my new favorite songs is a song by Tauren Wells titled, "Known." The chorus is my favorite part and goes like this;
But missions are an amazing thing.
The thing is your support systems aren't all gone. Our Heavenly Father is right there beside us. I remember the first night I was in Murray, in my first area in Utah. I knelt by my bedside and immediately started to cry. I told God I needed Him, that I wasn't going to be able to do any of this without His help. I needed His help to speak, to walk, to get up every morning, to do everything He called me to do. And looking back I can see He was truly right there, standing right next to me, cheering me on every step of the way. There were some long days. Really, really, really long days. There was a point on my mission I was pretty set on going home. I was physically and spiritually so exhausted, I wasn't sure I could carry on for the next 5 months. It seemed like it was too much. I thought about this once and I remember when I prayed one day, I felt an overwhelming feeling of love. I realized that I wasn't alone. I was never alone. I thought back to every single morning when I woke up at 6:30am despite the fact I felt like I couldn't do it one more day. I thought back to when I was able to talk to a complete stranger even when it scared the heck out of me. I remembered when there were those days it felt like everything that could go wrong did go wrong, but there was still something in that day that ended up making me write in my journal, "Today was a good day." I was able to recognize that God's hand was in my life every single day, at every single moment.
I wouldn't trade the experiences I've had over the last 18 months for anything in the world. It was better than I could've ever imagined. It changed my life. It was incredible to see others come closer to Jesus Christ, to change their lives and see them enter into the waters of baptism, just like our Savior had done. My faith has grown so much and my foundation is rooted in Jesus Christ. It was absolutely incredible. So much so that when the time came to come home, I wished I wouldn't have to.
On the airplane home, as the plane took off, I had tears rolling down my face as I knew that the next time I came back, my life wouldn't be the same. It was a little embarrassing and I had an isle seat and the girl next to me seemed a little weirded out that I was crying, so in my head I kept going, "Gosh dang it, Sister Linzey, get it together. You did everything you needed to and now it's time to go home. Pull yourself together and stop crying." I kept quoting John 14:27 to myself. I kept telling myself it was going to be okay.
My first day home I did pretty well. There were no tears and I was excited to be back with my family. I was excited for the journey ahead. But then a couple of days later, it all hit me. I was sitting by myself and it kind of felt like my life was ending. Like, it sounds really dramatic but it's true. Suddenly my life felt like it didn't have a purpose. There was nothing for me to do but sit on the couch and stare out the window as it started snowing. A few days later it's still really hard. I feel like I have no idea who I am or what I'm even doing here. I definitely feel cheated in the way that I went on a mission and ended up loving it more than I could've ever imagined, and then it just felt like it was all taken away from me. I had never been happier than in those 18 months. Despite the fact it was hard, nothing had brought me more joy than bringing souls to Christ. I felt so fulfilled and like I was doing something important. But now I'm home and I've watched some movies and listened to some new music, and that's about it.
It's been really hard to adjust. But I don't write this to tell you that my mission was the best thing of my life and now I'm just utterly depressed and my life will never be worthwhile again. I'm very open and honest on here, which is funny because in real life I really hate feeling so vulnerable and emotional, but I feel like I need to write this and share it with you all because we all go through these times in our life where we feel kind of lost and hopeless. I mean, if you look back at almost any of my previous blog posts, you'll see what I'm talking about. And so now, I want to tell you all (and reassure myself) that God has a perfect plan for all of us. It's not going to be easy. If I had it my way, I would've stayed in Utah. I would've just served until the end of my life. But that's not what's supposed to happen. These 18 months was supposed to help prepare me for the rest of my life. I have a lifetime ahead of me to continue learning and growing and sharing my testimony and serving my Father in Heaven. Of course it will never be the same as it was, but life still has a purpose. It's something I'm trying really hard to see and understand myself.
There is so much for all of us to do. There's so much we all have to offer. So if right now you feel like you have no clue what's going on and you feel lost inside, know God loves you. This knowledge saved me countless times in my life and especially on my mission and it's something that's saving me now. One of my new favorite songs is a song by Tauren Wells titled, "Known." The chorus is my favorite part and goes like this;
"I'm fully known and loved by You
You won't let go no matter what I do
And it's not one or the other
It's hard truth and ridiculous grace
To be fully known and loved by You
I'm fully known and loved by You."
At first I struggled to write this blog post. I had no idea what I wanted to share as my first post back from my mission. I planned on sharing some of the things I learned, or what it was like. But I feel like this was appropriate for the first post being back. It's the theme of this blog, that "when life gets blurry, adjust your focus." My life has felt pretty blurred, but I'm learning to adjust my focus. To remember God loves me, to remember He has a plan, to remember my life has meaning after my mission. I mean, if my mission was supposed to be the highlight of my life and that was as good as it was supposed to get, then that would be pretty sad because I'm only 20 and there's a lot of life left to live.
I hope that something in this helped one of you. Or that maybe when you go through something hard you'll remember this. One of the first things we teach people is that God is our loving Heavenly Father. How true this is! He hears us, He wants us to be happy, and He has a perfect plan.
Thank you for reading and always remember:
"You are exactly where you are supposed to be."
---Maggie
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