Adjusting Focus

If you asked me what I thought my life would be like in a year from the time I stepped off the plane in Massachusetts after my mission, I would've never imagined anything that's happened. During my last night as a missionary, I stared up at the ceiling in complete darkness. I was nervous, terrified, excited, feeling about every emotion possible. I wondered what it would be like to finally hug my parents again. What would it be like to watch a movie? Or have my own phone again? What would happen when my mission, the thing I loved the most, was gone? Some nights I lie in bed and think about the last year. I've learned more about God's mercy and grace than ever before. 2019 has been nothing short of easy, but also one of the greatest years of my life. I've found my purpose in life again. I've established really good friendships for once in my life, I've stood up for myself, and I've found God in a much more real way. On one of those nights where I lie...

Your body is a temple. It's a gift from God.  Treat it well.  Somewhere, somehow, at the age of probably 14, I decided my body was disgusting. It's a strong word, but it's exactly what I thought. I looked in the mirror, day after day, feeling like there was too much of me there. I wanted to be like the other skinny girls; I couldn't handle looking like the ones society labeled as 'big'. It set me off into a storm of tears and stomping on the scale.  I thought things were too tight on my body. I thrived when my guy friends would comment on how small I was. I loved when girls at school would say how good I looked. There was one morning I weighed myself and hated the numbers I saw on the scale. I sobbed and told myself I was too fat, that no one would ever like me, that I had to be better the next day. During my advisory period a boy told me I was skinny and I thought, "Oh, he thinks I'm skinny, so I must be. I'm doing okay." Followed by, ...

"I have absolutely no doubt in my mind whatsoever AT ALL, that this is Christ's church, that the covenant path is ALWAAAAAAAAYYSSSS the easier, happier, more joyful, better path... [Christ] loves each and every single one of us more than we can ever comprehend." Nearly a year ago I wrote this in my final email home to my family as I prepared myself to leave my full-time missionary service for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. For 18 months I spread the gospel of Jesus Christ. I found a love for others I didn't think was possible. Leaving was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Following my homecoming, I felt a small burden lifted from me as I could finally take a nap, I could sleep past 6:30am, and stay up as late as I wanted to. I didn't have to wear a dress anymore and I was back to being a regular 20 year old. Music was such a huge part of my life and I was glad I could listen to old songs that used to make me happy and discover new ones. But d...

I'm currently writing to you as I sit on a blowup mattress in my brother and sister-in-law's living room, with what turned out to be a really bad braid, and with nails that are too long, so typing is actually really irritating. BUT I've had a post I've been meaning to write down for a while, so here I am. If you've followed up on this blog since the beginning of the year, you'll know my 2019 life motto is " Bloom ." It's a word which I feel sums up what this whole year was going to be for me- and it has. The year's not even over yet, but boy oh boy have I learned so much and found more of myself than ever before. I started college again, was seriously depressed and so anxious I barely left my room, decided to see a counselor on campus but he turned out to be... the worst... started the journey of medication, found a new therapist, ended up with a boyfriend for a brief time, gained and lost friends, started getting slightly political on social...

On July 29th, 2014, my sixteen year old self sat at my old laptop and began writing my first post as an amateur "blogger." I'd been wanting a blog for a while, mainly because I love writing, and because I had so many thoughts in my head-I wanted a place to express them. This blog was a way for people to look into my mind, my heart, and discover a part of me they didn't know much about. The only real problem was, I was sixteen and pretty clueless about the world, and I had a mother who I thought needed to approve of the idea first. I remember rehearsing how I would bring it up to her, how I would make it seem like a worthwhile thing. I was nervous about talking to her about it. When I did, she thought it was a good idea. So, I began taking the first steps. I looked for something to inspire me, something that would be the theme of this blog. In my short sixteen years I'd faced a lot and was starting to overcome my seemingly never-ending battle with anxiety and depr...

The theme of my blog this year, my motto, is "Bloom." This year is to help me figure out what the heck my life means post-mission. As the middle of the year is here, I'm coming to understand a lot more about myself, about what I believe, and what I want to do with all of that. For my group therapy practice class, we were asked to do something that makes us uncomfortable. The origin for this post mostly came out of anger and frustration, but after really thinking about it, I thought about the importance of this. And sometimes sharing these thoughts on this issue or sharing what I really honestly believe is an uncomfortable thought for me. I don't like making other people uncomfortable. I hate confrontation. But like I said, when I took a step back, I realized that I couldn't sit back anymore. Similar to a  post  I wrote over 3 years ago, I want to share my thoughts about race and respecting differences in others. I urge you to continue reading with an open mind and...

I define myself by a thousand things that probably don't matter in the long run; I'm anxious. I'm brown. I'm this and that and the list goes on. If I'm to be completely honest, most of them are negative. As I began reading a book ( Brave Girl Eating ) for a class I'm taking this semester, I realized that I've been forgetting my most important identity that isn't defined by the world and by myself. I am more than my problems and the things that have happened to me in the past. This will be an unplanned continuation from my  previous post on perfectionism- a lesson I'm still desperately trying to learn and apply in my life on a daily basis. As per usual, I'll be honest. In my Abnormal Psychology class we talked about how there is such a stigma around mental health. It's improved a lot over the years, but there's still a long way to go. As a future social worker and one who is generally passionate about mental health and bettering lives,...

This weekend I was blessed to be able to go down and visit my mission again. I got my old car back and was able to drive around to see some old places I served in and visit some wards I was in too. It ended up being much more therapeutic than planned and I learned a lot and I needed a place to share that, so here we are. On Sunday I attended two different wards. I walked into my first sacrament meeting and looked around at this congregation of people I had grown to love. In this congregation sat three people I met who were either baptized or learning more about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It made me miss teaching and I wondered what more I had to offer in being home. The meeting ended and for the first time I was able to hug one of the guys I taught (as a sister missionary we weren't allowed to hug those of the opposite gender). I gave a big ol' hug to another one, and was able to talk with another girl I'd been teaching right before I left. Fo r a mo...

We're into February and I haven't really thought of anything I've really wanted to share with all of you. I've gone back and forth on plenty of topics. I've thought about how to make this blog better and more interesting, how to grow it, etc., but until I can better implement my plans and think about it a little longer, I'll leave you with this post today: If you read my  first post from when I returned home, you'll remember that I wrote about how hard it was to come back. I felt alone and lost. I had forgotten who I was and everything had a dark cloud around it. It felt like I was having an identity crisis. I didn't want to be the same person I was before I left on my mission, but I knew that I couldn't stay at the full-fledge 'Sister Linzey' state I was in. Now I'm at the point where I have my entire life ahead of me. When I was first at college, I really only planned up until my mission. There was a general idea of what to do after, ...