Adjusting Focus

So, I'm setting the date back in time to December for this blog post because I failed to write one all last month. Finals and the holidays were busy. So, here we are on January 2nd with a December blog post. Here are the past 12 very odd, exciting, boring, hard, growth-filled months. JANUARY: I started my last semester at community college. I made a goal for myself to raise my hand in at least one class once a week. I think as the months went on, I wasn't as great about it, but the anxiety I had before isn't as great. I raise my hand more and my face doesn't feel like it's on fire, so there's been some big improvements. I also started my first internship. It was definitely nerve wracking at first, but I was so excited to start working. It was really a growing experience and I absolutely loved it. It was freezing cold (I worked on a barn in the middle of winter) and I fell in horse poop mixed with mud. But, when the internship was over and I had completed my ho...

My blog posts in November always have some Thanksgiving theme so I've been thinking a lot about what I'm thankful for. While the list can go on and on, the biggest thing for me is how grateful I am that school has been going so well. As I've said before, I was really worried about how things were going to end up being in Idaho. While I completed an Associate's, I had never been away from home. As my brother and I got closer and closer to school, I felt the longevity of my stay. The new environment and people were all slightly horrifying. Part of me really just wanted to stay in my senior/sophomore year of school forever. Now, a couple months later (though it's felt like a year while simulatenously feeling like it's only been 2 weeks), I've made it to Thanksgiving in one piece and I've already made some good memories. I was so worried about making friends because I'm often very shy and quiet when people first meet me. It takes some time for me to war...

It's been a month since coming out to Rexburg. It's been tiring, long, boring, fun, and great all at the same time. Currently I'm fighting to not fall asleep and this has been happening all day. I could take a nap but that would disrupt my procrastination of doing my homework by writing a blog post. Besides, taking nap would mess up when I'm actually able to fall asleep tonight. Classes have continued to go well and I am still glad to be here. I'm continuing to push myself out of my comfort zone a little. I've had the opportunity to attend a Youth Mental Health First Aid training for my juvenile delinquency class (a training on how to help youth in crisis). I'm still lacking on making real food for myself. I've made a lot of rice, PB&J sandwiches, and chicken. But I'm surviving and having good experiences, and the past month has still been decently successful. My religion class is by far one of my favorite classes. My professor is amazing and h...

Yours truly is officially moved into college! It took a couple of days to get everything all settled and for me to be able to unpack the massive amount of stuff I ended up bringing, and I'm pleased with the result. I've managed to make my half of the room feel a little homey. I've completed my first full week of classes and I'm happy to say I really enjoy all of them. The nice part about having my associates degree is that I can skip all of my foundations classes and just focus on my religion courses and those specific to my major (sociology). Overall, I've really been enjoying my time here. It's been an interesting experience being so far away from home but I've been doing pretty well handling it all. I really enjoy all of my classes despite the amount of work I have to do already. My Teachings of the Book of Mormon class is starting to be one of my favorites. My professor is really funny and definitely isn't boring. All of my professors are really ni...

For about 12 years, I've been looking up pictures of Guatemala on the internet, taking every opportunity to do a school project on it, and reading books about the place I come from. I've stared at images of Lake Atitlan on a computer screen, I've studied the culture of my people, and I've tried to imagine myself in a place I've never physically seen. For about 12 years there's been some sort of hole in my being, a longing for a country I belong to less than I do North America. Now, after a little more than 17 years later, I returned back to my birthplace. The images on the internet, the studying, the reading, were all so different from physically being in such an amazing place. And while I would like to say it was also everything I had ever imagined over the past 12 years, it wasn't quite that way. But don't get me wrong, I still love my country and I always will. I will always have pride in the country I came from. It's an extremely culturally rich...

Two days ago, Adjusting Focus had it's two year anniversary! And though I am somewhat disappointed in myself that though the date was in my calendar and I forgot to write a blog post, I'm going to forgive myself because I'm writing one now. Over the past two years, I have been able to express a lot about myself through this blog. As someone who tends to be very quiet, introverted, and anxious when it comes to talking and sharing my thoughts and feelings to others, this blog has been an extremely helpful way for me to let people in on what goes through my mind sometimes. Adjusting Focus has, in all honesty, had a ginormous impact on my life. It's changed the way I think about things, and I'm always finding myself trying to think of what I can share with all of you, as well as how I can express myself in written word. It's been an outlet for me. There's always been some part of me that's wanted to have a blog. I didn't think I had anything particular...

I wrote a little poem last night after stake conference. The theme was the atonement, and during the meeting I thought of the first part, and after it was over, I wrote the rest. Hopefully you like it! Through Him   I have stepped on shards of glass And been healed Only to step on a thousand nails  I have walked with the sun shining And I have walked in the midst of a storm  I have taken the wrong path When I thought I was right  I have lost something precious along the way Even though I held it close to my heart  I have sinned And been forgiven Only to have sinned again Because I am quick to give in  I have had joy Only for it to be taken away by something out of my control  I have messed up Because I have let my pride get in the way  I have experienced loss of family and friends Even though I have loved them  I have traveled for many miles And I will travel for many more  I have lived for many years ...

I've been thinking about a topic for my next blog post, but honestly it's been kind of hard. I've been feeling pretty negative lately. There's been a lot of changes recently, both good and bad, and the stress of all of those has started to feel quite overwhelming. I've forgotten my motto here on this blog- I'm not adjusting my focus. Instead, I'm staying in my pessimistic state. When it comes to college, the only thing I'm excited about is taking my classes. For all of the social things that await me, well, I could really hold off on all of those and be perfectly fine. My social anxiety has caused me to already feel the stress of finding new friends, participating in various activities, and being in an entirely new place. My separation anxiety has caused my to feel a ginormous wave of sorrow when I think about leaving my parents. I get extremely uncomfortable when I think about not being able to spend nights with my parents and spend time laughing with ...

As I write this I want you all to know that similar to my adoption post , this post is from my perspective as not only someone who is adopted, but also someone of color. What I am about to write is from what I've experienced, and I do not speak for every adopted child, or person of color. Also like my adoption post, I would like to apologize for how wordy and perhaps not too coherent this post will be. Of course, I check to go back and edit for spelling and technical things like that, but sometimes my train of thought makes more sense to me than it does to others (sometimes... more like often). Anyway, here it goes. I've been looking for something to write, as usual, and yesterday I found my topic(s): being in between two cultures and being brown. Yesterday I went to a counseling session and one of the things I brought up was my trip to Guatemala this summer. I've had some concerns about the emotional toll that will probably take on me for the first few days I'm back ...

Technically, this should be "The End: Part 5" because I've completed five semesters now, but whatever. SO, I've officially finished school and I'm simultaneously excited and uncomfortable about that. I was looking back on a blog post I wrote after my first semester finished. It's super weird to think how fast time has gone. It kind of freaks me out that I'm graduating soon (9 days from now) and that I really couldn't quite imagine this day coming when I first started. In the beginning it all seemed like it would be super hard, but it hasn't been that bad. I love the major I chose and because of it I've had some really cool opportunities. In the beginning of this whole program I started out as a lot different. Over these past two years I've found more confidence in myself. I've generally figured out what I want to do with my life. I've found actual value in education. I've learned some more about procrastination (but let's...

Lately, it seems as though the little struggles in life are starting to pile up. I think I fully came to this realization last week, when nothing seemed to be going right, and I was more stressed than I felt I could handle. Today I've come to another realization about a solution I didn't fully see was right in front of me. When called as the new Young Women's ward pianist, I fought the urge not to laugh. With a smile I said, "Yeah. I can do that." On the outside I probably appeared to be somewhat confident, maybe even a little bit excited. On the inside all I felt was anxiety, and a little bit of humor on top of that. Still, I felt that perhaps having our household filled with hymns would be nice. I had read and heard stories about people getting called to play the piano for their ward or quorum when they didn't know how to. To me, they all seemed like stories, and things that I thought would be rather funny if they happened to me, but never actually saw th...