Adjusting Focus

I started this blog as a way to look at my blessings even when life was hard. The idea was that when my life was messy, I would take a step back and see what the good was amongst the chaos. From a religious perspective I was taught to be grateful for life’s blessings, to find joy amidst trial. Therefore, this theme of “adjusting focus” seemed fitting for my life. And, often caught up in depressive episodes, it served me well for many years to focus on something positive, something to keep me going.  While listening to “Untamed” by Glennon Doyle, I reflected much on who I have been throughout this blog and where I am now, especially after no longer being a member of my religious organization. I am nowhere near the same girl who started this blog. At 16 years old, my life was all around being this perfect, happy, Latter-Day Saint. I was put in a cage that told me who to be and how to act. I am no longer that person. I am wild and free from the cage which kept me in captivity.  I...

In honor of National Eating Disorder Week, I wanted to share with you my recent experience with my eating disorder. I've struggled with an eating disorder since I was about 13 years old. With various mental health struggles hitting me hard with the start of quarantine and COVID-19, I decided to see a psychiatrist. I was given a new diagnosis (something I am not quite ready to delve into on here as I try to figure it out for myself), and new medication. This medication had a side effect of weight gain. I was hesitant to try it at first, knowing that I was still in recovery from my eating disorder and worried potential weight gain could trigger me. Still, I was desperate to sleep and stop oversleeping, to feel like my life had purpose again. Within a few weeks, I'd noticed weight gain as my jeans started to get tighter. I shed a lot of tears and hated getting ready to go to work. At the same time, I was feeling emotionally lighter, ready to face the world in front of me. After ca...

 As 2020 comes to a close, like many, I’ve had the opportunity to reflect on everything that made up my year. There were a lot of changes, a lot of trials, and a lot of good things that made 2020 the Year of Courage. I had to grow up a lot, which honestly, was kind of scary. But, I made it, and am thankful for all that happened.  I started out by moving to Utah for my internship working with immigrants and refugees, and started my final semester at BYU-Idaho. I came out as bisexual, moved into my own apartment, graduated college, worked 2 jobs, got a cat, and battled depression. I started therapy again, began new medication, restarted my gym membership, and towards the end of the year, felt hopeful about what the future held again. Despite the challenges we still face with COVID-19, I feel a sense of peace I haven’t felt in so long. For a while I struggled to find any joy and an sense of hope that life would get better, that I should keep going. I’m thankful for my parents, my...