Adoption

Before I continue on with this blog post, I just want to apologize in advance for how wordy it will most likely be and how it may sound a little disorganized. Also, the post I'm about to write is strictly from my point of view and how I feel about this topic. Obviously everyone's situations and feelings about it are different.
So here it goes.
After a conversation yesterday and while I was lying in bed, I started to write this blog post in my head. I guess I've never really talked about being adopted to anyone else besides my family, because there are few people who really understand what it's like. It's hard to explain the feelings and half the time I can't even put it into words and it's literally been like that my entire life. But now, I think I'm at a place in my life where I want more people to understand what it's like (and like I said before, from my point of view) to really be different from everyone around you.
I was scrolling through my Tumblr the other week and things were going pretty well until I scrolled down to this post.

I even put it on my Snapchat story.

At first glance I just read the top line and the picture. I thought, "Wow, that's so rude," and continued going through my dashboard. Then it hit me. That was me. For a second I honestly forgot I the situation I was in.

Being here, having the life I have is the biggest blessing I will ever receive. Because I have a loving family who takes care of me, I will never have to fight for my life everyday. I will never have to think about doing any of the things my biological mother did. I will never wonder where my next meal is coming from or if I'll have a place to stay the night. Never in my life will these things happen. They would have if I had stayed or perhaps been given away on the streets like the children before me. Who knows, but this is where I am. So sure, my family is white and I couldn't look more different from them, but I would never have it any other way.

I think in the beginning, people are kind of confused when they find out I'm adopted, or they don't know what to say. They just assume things. Like, you don't know how many times people have thought my dad was black. Or, how when my mother would go to the open house things at school (where your parents visit all of your classes, etc.) and parent-teacher meetings, my teachers would ask who she's the mother of. When her response would be, "Maggie Linzey," you would have thought she had just said the most outlandish thing there was to be said. My mom always came home and told me about it and we would literally laugh about it. Like, no, she was just lying to you to see what your reaction would be, you're being punk'd.

I remember one time when my youngest brother was getting his first car. And, mind you, he was 16 and I was 12, and we were just waiting for something and this guy who worked there asked my brother, "Is this your girlfriend?" A piece of me literally died and I can laugh so hard about this now. My brother was like, "No, she's my sister." 

That guy: "Oh."

It was one of the most awkward and hilarious moments of my entire life. But, like, I understand we don't look the same, but come on, even then. I was 12.

There are a few things that bother me that people say that will make me cringe when they talk about adoption. The first one would be when people say things like, "I don't look anything like my family. I honestly think I'm adopted." Things like that. And I think that sometimes, in order for me deflect and not feel so weird about it I'll go, "Same." But, it does kind of bother me because, like, really? You know you're not and you're still the same color as them and your mother literally gave birth to you. Although I have my moments where I honestly forget I'm any different than my family, it's still pretty clear like, everyday of my life. It doesn't bother me that I have brown skin and they're white, it's just different and I stick out a little more. But there are days where I wonder why my eyes are shaped the way they are or why I can play a musical instrument and no one else in my entire family can. I wonder who has my smile. Or, who's genes made me so short? For a lot of people, they don't have to ask themselves those questions. And I try to rarely let it bother me. At the end of the day I'm me, Maggie, and who cares who I look like or where my talents came from? That's just who I am. Someday, I'll find out, but until that day comes, I can't do anything about it, and that's perfectly okay.

The other thing that bugs me is when people casually talk about adopting children and how great it will be. Like, yes, obviously I'm all for adoption and do I want to adopt a child? Sure. And do I think it's great? Of course. But it's not easy. I don't want to sound like a know it all, and like I stated before, this is all from my point of view. It hasn't been a walk in the park. And I think when you tell people it's not easy, they go, "I know." When my parents first got me, they thought it was all going to be okay because they would love me and take good care of me. While this is beyond true, it wasn't always okay. It hasn't been an easy task to deal with me. I had a lot of anger issues and I was constantly screaming and yelling. I was sad and confused. When I was younger and I got too upset, I would wish I had never been adopted. For probably the first 14-15 years of my life I don't think I really understood what true happiness was. It wasn't until something terrible had happened that I decided I wanted to really change and get help. I had spent years going to different therapists/counselors, but I never really wanted to see them. So this time, I was making a choice to really change and become happy. I didn't want to end up somewhere I didn't want to be down the line. I wanted to grow old and really be there and feel happy. I have a dream to get married, have children, see them get older. Now that I've gotten that help and continued to work through things, I can truly say I feel joy and I know what true happiness is. I know I'll reach those dreams. It took a lot of hard work and time on both me and my family's parts, but it was beyond worth it.

I guess the last thing that bugs me is when people think that because you're adopted, you're not wanted, or that people should feel sorry for you. I remember this one time I was in a photography camp and we were sitting around talking. This one girl said how she felt bad for adopted children because they weren't wanted. I was literally like, "That's not always true. For me, my biological mother didn't have the resources to care for a child." Now I know that she felt she wasn't exactly capable of love, so perhaps that's the same thing, but I don't really think so. She still wanted to put me in an adoption agency and I understand why she felt the way she did. She had to do certain things in order to survive. Still, I was her only child to be put into an agency, to be given a real chance. 

Adoption isn't an easy thing, but it's truly amazing. I've been beyond blessed to have the family I have. I have people who love me unconditionally. I would die for any member in my family and although I don't remember the first 8 months of my life, I didn't really have a real family until my parents came along. They are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Because of them I have the gospel. I have friends. I have an education. I have a piano to play and the opportunity to write as many novels as my heart desires. I had nothing in the beginning, but now I have everything. Doors are opened to me that I never would have had. I try to remember this when I feel down. When I wonder who my biological father is, when I wonder where my biological mother is, or if my name had stayed Vilma Morales and someone had adopted me down there. There are an unlimited amount of questions. Someday I'll figure out how to do my family history work, I know, but at the moment, I'm not ready. But when the time comes, I know I can pray about it and I'll find a way to do their work for them. So while there's all these things I'm still unsure about, I know that I would never want my life any other way. 

This hangs in my room and I often read it and it's today's quote.

Thanks for reading. And again, sorry if things are a little disorganized or don't exactly make sense. I just wanted to write things down as they came. 

---Maggie